top of page

Connect to the Authentic You

Writer's picture: Ren Ren

Updated: Jun 17, 2024

“How’s it going?” we ask one another. “Good,” we say. “Fine! How are you?”

I didn’t used to pause before answering. I was aware that the expectation of the question was something short and positive. I think I was aware of this very early on, watching my parents ask and answer this question with their friends. No one said things like, “I’m okay but have a lot going on” or “I’ve been kind of stressed so I am hoping that I can keep it all together” but that is what they meant.


I recently taught myself to pause, to reflect, and to tune in to my body and my spirit and not simply answer from rote memory or as a pleasantry. One of the reasons I decided to do this was that I realized I was not showing up for myself in my relationships. I was constantly pretending that I had no feelings or needs outside of what someone else wanted to do or needed from me. I didn’t want to be a burden to any one and felt good knowing that I am a good listener and can be helpful. Eventually that wore on me and I was not balancing enough of my focus, energy or attention on myself. Instead of seeing that helping someone else could allow me to ask for help when I needed it, I stayed silent and pretended I had no needs.


What building in a pause to reflect has done is allow me to be more genuine, authentic, and assertive. This helps me to show up as my true self instead of trying to manage how I present myself to others. It used to be tempting to try and control what people think about me, but now I just show up. And I can show up fully as myself when I am honest about how I am doing and what I need. Showing up for myself helps me to trust myself. Trusting myself helps me to love myself more. And self love allows me to love others and gives me the space to teach them how to love me. I really hope that is what life is all about. It’s my working theory.


How to Build in a Pause or Check In with Yourself:


1.) Initially it is helpful to add a reminder to your phone to check in at least twice a day. I like morning and evening check ins, but choose whatever works for you. You can set an alarm and write a note in your phone that says, “How am I doing? What do I need right now?”


2.) When it is time, place a hand on your heart and a hand on your stomach. Breathe deeply. Allow yourself the peace of focusing on the inhale and the exhale. Notice your belly rising and falling. Release any worries from your mind or tension from your body. Next ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad, thirsty, or have too much or not enough energy. What are your thoughts like? If you don't know, grab a pencil and some paper and write whatever comes in to your awareness.


3.) Give yourself what you need. Whatever it is that is healthy for you and within reason for to fit into the structure of your day. If you need water, excuse yourself from the meeting and get it. If you are feeling too frustrated, excuse yourself from your work or your family or your roommates. You can take some deep breaths or listen to calming music during your day. Nothing is going to fall apart if you need a break or two. Maybe you could go for a quick walk for a change of scenery. Or try a new grounding technique.


4.) Answer yourself honestly. How are you doing? The first step is to be honest with yourself about it, to not avoid or deny it if you are struggling or feel something deeply. If it feels too vulnerable to say it to others, that is okay. Take some time to feel your feelings, understand what they are, listen to the message they are sending to you. There is time for you to develop a close and trusting relationship with yourself before engaging with others if that feels right.


5.) If you are struggling, schedule some time away from responsibilities for yourself later in the day. It is amazing how much better I feel after taking 5 minutes for myself. You might try a meditation app, dance, or sit and listen to the birds. Do something that signals to your brain that you can stop, rest and enjoy your awareness. Your brain needs to know that you are not a productivity robot and can relax and decompress when you need it. Sometimes I need to sit by a tree or a plant and do nothing for a few moments. Plan on taking care of yourself. How you are doing matters.


I hope this helps. Sending you peace.



4 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page