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Let's Talk about Emotions: Grief

Writer's picture: Ren Ren

Updated: Jun 13, 2024

When I decided to write a blog, it was not because I necessarily had anything new to say, though I hope that I have some knowledge and a perspective that is helpful. I started writing a blog in order to continue my own healing. Writing has always come easily to me–some people are good at sports or music, others at building things. Writing is my medium. I feel alive when I write and I needed to feel that way while going through difficult times.


I work as an intuitive counselor and energy healer. One would think that I would have been more prepared when grief came knocking. I study, read, consult, plan, and still I know that relationships are complicated. Emotions are often layered. Events happen outside of our control and we must reconcile the shock or the disappointment of not knowing what was coming. If what comes to us is positive, then we keep moving. If what comes to us is perceived as negative or as a loss, we can get stuck. How do we get unstuck? What is the formula for acceptance of our circumstances?

These are questions on my mind.


Maybe it will help you to recognize that professionals have a lot of knowledge about emotions, mental health issues and relationships but we struggle, too. Right now I am struggling because some one I love is dying. I’m not sure if you can relate to that, but you most definitely have experienced grief in some form. Grief is a strange emotion because it feels as if there is no stable center. I envision myself attempting to walk on large rocks in the middle of crashing waves as I think about my grief. My grief has depth to it, like the ocean, but it also has sharp angles like the rocks from the water beating against them over time. If I misstep, I will fall into the water, which might either sink me or open an incredibly painful wound. As I am walking on the rocks, I feel myself denying that I might fall, but am sharply aware that any bobble could be dangerous.


Grief has come to me in many forms. Grief for me is feeling loss over a period of time. Grief can be anything from losing a pet or loved one to losing a relationship or a job, to a change in life circumstance such as aging, illness, children growing, moving, changes in financial status, or other life transitions. In my experience, grief from circumstances is often as painful as losing a loved one. I think it’s almost trickier because we are not expected to have complex emotions around a job change or a best friend moving away. In my experience, seeing an aging parent lose capacity or having your 18 year old move across the country can trigger the same kind of grief as death.


The Modified Kubler-Ross Model of Grief has 7 stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and finally acceptance. As a therapist I was taught that the stages of grief are not linear, meaning, we don’t experience them one at a time, or even in the order the stages are presented. So we might experience all of the stages at once, or some of them, then others, then back to a stage we thought we were “done” experiencing. If any of the heavier emotions linger because we push them down or away, they may come back with a vital force that we did not anticipate. In my practice I have seen people become fearful of feeling their emotions because they know they have pushed down emotions for so long that they are scared to feel their intensity.


We are taught very little about grief in our society and we do not honor the grieving. Think about the way we grieve after losing a family member. If you are lucky, your job will allow you 3-5 days of bereavement and your close friends might check on you for a month or two. We are then expected to continue to operate much the same as we did before, not really mentioning our grief, pretending that we are the same person, hiding our tears behind closed doors if we can access them.


I read once that in the early 1900s people wore a black arm band for a year after losing a loved one. The purpose of this was simply to communicate nonverbally that any one approaching another person wearing a black arm band should be gentle. Maybe they would take an extra minute to compose their words, maybe speak a bit softer, show kindness in their eyes or with a gesture. Can you imagine if we spoke this way to one another? Picture the amount of trust and support you might feel if every one approached you this way.


Grief is meant to transform us, I think. It is a composite of emotions that if we allow ourselves to feel it and listen to the messages it has for us, we can grow in compassion and in kindness both to ourselves and to others. Some of the things I think about now include working on how I can honor my grief, even if no one else sees it or knows that it is there. I tell myself that I am allowing these feelings. I am listening to the messages. I can transform into a slightly different version of me because it is honest that I am not the same as I was before I answered grief's call. I will not worry about who I am becoming or about how other people perceive the shift in me. I stop trying to control whether or not I feel grief and take a bit of time to safely release my emotions.


I am using kind eyes when I look at myself in the mirror. I say things like, “I know you are struggling. I am here with you. What do you need right now?” I’m going to try it and see what happens. Maybe some of what I write can help you, too.


I hope this helps.





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