Writing about emotions and therapeutic concepts is coming fairly easily to me which is why I decided to choose a topic that feels difficult and far away from the space I am in. How do we forgive some one who has harmed us in a way that feels irreparable? There seems to be a lot of debate going on about whether or not we “have to” or “should” forgive people for harm. You may see arguments for and against forgiving transgressions on social media videos and reels.
So what is forgiveness? Are there things that are unforgiveable? Are we supposed to forgive and forget?
First of all, forgiveness is not a religious concept. I think it is important to distinguish that so we do not feel separate from the process if we wish to engage with it. To me, forgiveness is a gift I can give myself so that I can feel the freedom to live with more ease and to love with an open heart. When we are stuck in unforgiveness, we are most likely also stuck in anger, resentment, grief, betrayal and other forms of pain and suffering. If we are full of those denser emotions, we are not as able to access or fill up on the ones we want to feel: joy, happiness, contentment, connectedness, love. Releasing the emotions that feel dense and hard will allow us to once again fill up with lighter feelings and more connection to ourselves, others and life itself. The releasing of the past and of dense emotions with an understanding of the learning and growth process is what I consider to be the path to healing.
A PROCESS FOR FORGIVENESS:
Included Source: Pema Chodron’s, The Things That Scare You
1.) First, we acknowledge our feelings. Do we feel anger, shame, revenge, embarrassment, remorse? Something else? We sit with it for a moment until we understand what message it was trying to tell us. Feelings are the body’s way of talking to us. Our body has knowledge to share and if we learn from our body we can integrate the lesson and grow in strength and wisdom. If you don't understand the message at first, that's okay. Take a break. Try again when you can. You will figure it out.
2.) We forgive ourselves for being human. This could mean a lot of things, but I think that being human means we are going to be messy sometimes. We may impulsively say something and regret it. We may forget about a commitment we made to a friend or colleague. We can learn from these situations and do better next time. The way in which we hold what happened to us and the actions we take next can determine the quality of our lives.
3.) We can understand that life is many things and people are many things. We can open our perspective and not narrow it to mean one or two things. We can give up trying to persuade or control other people. We recognize that we can only seek to understand them and to work to be the best version of ourselves. We can let go. We make a fresh start. We try again to live without so much pain. We allow the sorrow but also cultivate joy to balance our experience and our life.
NOTE:
It is important for us not to invite back into our lives some one who was abusive, violent, or cruel. We must set and maintain boundaries with the people who treat us this way. But forgiveness…forgiveness is the release of that person and transgression from our minds, bodies and spirits. It is the acknowledgement that we are not going to continue to think about and live in the suffering some one else gave to us. We can release our suffering and forgive what happened for our own wellbeing. What was the lesson here? What can we learn in order to make meaning come from hurt? This is for us, not for them. We are only free if we are not giving some one else the power to keep hurting us over and over. No one has the power to keep living in pain unless we give it to them. Forgiveness for ourselves and eventually them is the key to our own empowerment. We get to choose our mindset, our focus, and the quality of our lives. No one else gets to do that. Unless we allow the past and the pain to rot inside of us.
Part of my own healing is to write this blog. I am currently writing and am not quite sure how to forgive some of the losses I have endured. I decide to engage in my own healing work first. I say to myself, “I am not ready to forgive yet because of the pain I am feeling. I will attend to my pain and when it is less, I will see about forgiveness.”
I hope this helps. Sending you healing.

Comments