I started sitting with my thoughts when I got very sick. I guess I did not have much choice as I was sick enough that I could not move or work much during the day. The benefit of sitting with them, however, was that I learned that I could shift them. I began to understand that my thoughts are not me and that I can be a witness to them. I decided to study them. I asked myself:
What are my thoughts about? What is the quality of my thoughts? Am I judging myself or others? Why am I following some of these thoughts so far down a hole? Are my thoughts helpful? Do my thoughts contribute to my well being?
Paying attention to my thoughts and taking some time to study them was incredibly helpful. It was not long before I could see that my thoughts were often about fear, pain, regret, or frustration. The pattern of my thoughts revolved around keeping me small, in a little box, without having any experiences or connections. The safest thing to say or do is nothing, said my thoughts.
If I didn’t have much time, I would do a short “brain dump” which included writing everything out of my head on to paper as fast as possible in 5 minutes. Sometimes I would study those thoughts to see if I could find patterns with the things I was going through. I discovered that there were some core beliefs, or very strong ideas about life, myself and others that were connected to these thoughts. My awareness of these core beliefs gave me the freedom to examine them and determine if they felt workable. Other times it was enough for me to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I felt better.
We do not have to accept our thoughts as truth. The core belief that I uncovered was ‘I am not good enough.‘ This belief spread to my relationships, my health, my work, my finances...pretty much everything. That core belief caused more fear-based thoughts which led to more fear which led to unhelpful behaviors such as swallowing my feelings and needs within my relationships, work and needs. The belief ‘I am not good enough’ kept me in a small box at the mercy of anxiety, depression and physical problems.
It sounds simple, but I made a decision one day. I was no longer going to feed the ‘I am not good enough’ belief system of thoughts, emotions and behaviors. How could I shift it, I wondered. I decided to write some affirmative statements on post it notes and leave them near my computer where I could easily see them. One of the statements I wrote was ‘I am enough.’ Another was ‘My needs matter.’ I wrote other words or phrases that spoke to me as I attempted to shift out of old habits and patterns and into more mental freedom. I wrote things like, ‘Stay curious. Be open. What if everything works out?’
I sat with these words and brought them to mind when I was struggling with the old thoughts. I reminded myself that although I care deeply about what people I care about think, that they are not walking my path. I am walking my path and am responsible for the quality of my thoughts and the creation of my life.
This outlook provided me with more hope and I became excited when inspiration and revelation hit me. “Oh!” I would think. “That’s where that belief came from!” Or, “Hmmm. Is this thought helpful? No. Let’s not follow it.” Then I would engage change into the moment by focusing on what I did want to grow. I would follow that with self kindness and think something like, "I am okay in this moment. Things are not great, but I can manage this feeling. I can ask for help. I can figure it out. I am okay here and now and the rest will come later."
We do not need to hold onto thoughts and beliefs that do not feel good to us, that do not empower us. We don’t have to keep believing them and we certainly don’t have to follow thoughts that relate to negative beliefs. We have the freedom to choose and to let go of things that are not in service to our lives. We get to determine for ourselves what we wish to experience in this life and we have the power to focus on more of that.
What do you wish to focus on? What thoughts and beliefs serve you? What helps you to move towards connection or growth? What thoughts and beliefs serve your joy?
I hope this helps. Sending you freedom.

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