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Let's Talk About Skills: Relationship Discernment

Writer's picture: Ren Ren

Updated: Feb 27, 2024

Many of us see potential in the people around us. You may see yourself as a good friend and can see that other people have the potential to be a good friends, too. I spent hours nurturing relationships that were not always reciprocal. I loved getting to know potential friends or partners and learning about what they liked and disliked. I enjoyed hearing stories of childhood and dreams they had for their future. I loved engaging with people so much that I missed the part in which I was adding in the potential they had to be something different in the future. I missed the reality of who they are now.


Especially if you are a person who likes to learn, evolve and grow, there can be a tendency to want to assign future qualities to others. I think my default is to give other humans the benefit of projecting potential and I often assign them potential without thinking about it. Eventually I became disappointed, noticing that the current characteristics or qualities that a person currently held were not in alignment with my values or relationship needs.


I began to see that sometimes people get stuck in the same pattern and then repeat it, myself included. This pattern might include a narrative in which people are the victim and someone else is to blame. Or maybe people blame themselves and judge themselves too harshly when they are making understandable choices. We can begin to listen to what people say and can step back with curiosity about whether or not people follow through with action. Cultivating relationships with people who take committed action, or action that is in alignment with words and values became something I decided to seek in my relationships.


It feels important not to judge whether or not people are able to follow through with taking committed action. We are all works in progress and some people may not be there yet. They may have lots of competing energies in their lives or maybe they are going through a rough period in life. Maybe it's okay to see the reality of where people are and determine where they may fit in our lives. If someone is unable to exchange the amount of effort you put in, instead getting upset, we can try to have compassion and keep the relationship light. We can ask them pleasantries and not take it personally if they do not follow through with the plans they say they want to make with us. The idea of reciprocal exchange is a necessary tenant of relationships, but instead of continuing to wish the relationship can be something it is not, we can shift our expectations to meet people where they are able.


It is important for us to check in with our relationships to see if there are patterns that need shifting. I recommend talking with our relationship partners to see if they notice the pattern and are willing or able to shift it with us. If they are unwilling, then we must accept it. We can then determine our needs and boundaries with the idea that a realistic idea of a relationship is less painful than wishing someone would change for us.


A Practice for Seeing Relationship Reality:


1.) Connect to your intuition. Intuition is the immediate voice in your mind who tries to help you when you have a question or a decision to make. The voice is calm, loving and open. Any voice that follows your intuitive voice is usually the voice of the ego and wants to protect you. Ego exists so you will not walk across a busy highway and get run over. It unfortunately also tries to protect us from emotional harm. The voice is scared, cold and restrictive. If we listen to our ego enough, we will not have any relationship connections because we could spend our days thinking about how we could get hurt through that connection.


Practice listening to that calm and loving inner voice. Set the intention that you trust yourself to make good decisions. Ask your ego to step back. Find a quiet spot to sit with one hand over your heart and the other on your solar plexus (above your navel.) Breathe deeply through your belly, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Do this three times. Now ask yourself a question about your situation and see what your intuition has to say.


2.) Work on discernment. Discernment is the skill of using our intuition to sort through what is appropriate and helpful to us and to let go of what is not helpful. Discernment comes when we give yourself the time and space to ask important questions. You will begin to see when it is dig deeper or when it is time to pause and reflect. You can also work on having conversations with people that are diplomatic and that will also give you an idea about how much time and effort feels reasonable to give to them. Honoring what feels right and true to you in both small and larger ways will build your skill of discernment. Some questions you can ask yourself and/or them if you feel safe to do so:


Is my relationship partner willing and able to change? Do they listen to me when I voice a need? Are they interested in their own growth and development? Does my partner take the time to talk with me when I ask? Do they display empathy or concern for my wellbeing? Is my partner connected, grounded and safe, (emotionally, mentally, physically?)


3.) If you have not yet expressed your concerns, consider having a connected conversation about your relationship pattern observations. I will be clear that if you are experiencing physical, mental or emotional abuse, you will most likely need help and support to leave the relationship. Calling your local community mental health organization or dialing the mental health crisis line, 988 is a solid first step. Find a therapist or a resources such as the YWCA and begin to work on extracting yourself safely from the relationship.


If abuse is not involved, however, it might be helpful to speak with your relationship partner about the patterns you are noticing. Ask what they are noticing as well. Let the other person know what you might need and ask what they might need in order to start shifting the pattern so that you both get what you need. If they are unwilling to connect with you about this pattern or are unwilling to make changes, thank them for the opportunity to talk and then take time for yourself to see what your new relationship boundaries might be. Working this out with a therapist, friend or mentor you trust will be helpful, as well as reading books written by therapists. Some of my favorites are by Dr. Nicole LaPerla and Nedra Glover Tawaab.


4.) Empower yourself to step back from relationships that are not workable for you. Allow yourself to accept that sometimes relationships have seasons and are for just a short while. Any relationship that is not about love but says that it is needs your attention. Let yourself focus your energy on relationships in which you feel loved and supported.

If you do not have any external relationships where that is the case, start with your relationship with yourself. You are your most important relationship and learning to love yourself, accept that you are going to make mistakes but that you can learn from them and continue to grow is paramount to your satisfaction in your relationships with others. I began that process by writing down my thoughts in a notebook so I could get some distance from my thoughts and really look at how I was thinking about and treating myself. I committed to not judging and to being curious. I laid out my emotions, thoughts and behaviors on a mental table in order to see if I was in alignment with love and my other values. From there, I began to treat myself with the love, respect, time and energy I gave to others and it made all the difference.


I hope this helps.





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