You are love. That is your inherent nature. Due to this fact, you are valuable and worthy simply sitting here now. You can do nothing. You are everything because love is everything. We only need to tune into it.
Love is something we all want to have, to hold, to capture. Sometimes it sets us off on a journey through the seasons of life. We may be seeking affectionate love, romantic love, the love of family members or self love. Many of us were not taught much about love overtly but some of us were fortunate enough to have a family member, neighbor, teacher or coach who modeled what it means to be a force for love in this word.
The first time I remember feeling loved was when my mom baked with me. She wanted to show me all of the skills and techniques she knew to create delicious cookies, candies and cakes. I was mesmerized when she would “just know” how much spice to pinch in her fingers. I felt connected, cared for and acknowledged for who I was when I baked with her, (even if I was not good at it.) Another early memory I have of love was when I went to a playscape with my dad and fell through a hole in the platform near the top of the slide. I fell straight on my back. My father rushed to my side as I struggled to find my breath. I could feel his fear and his desire to ensure I was okay. Later that week, he wrote quite a stern letter to the city, urging them to mend the hole I fell in. All of this felt like love, too.
Love to me is also about moments of true connection in which we are able to say, “I’m okay being myself with you” and the other person agrees to do the same. When I look back at past versions of myself, I try not to cringe at the way I would talk about things or try and engage with others socially. I was trying so hard to fit in, to present as someone who was always cheerful, upbeat and positive. I am naturally that way but I was neglecting some opportunities to talk about what was really going on with people who could have listened. I know that not every one wants to hear about it when we are struggling and I do not plan to take strangers aside to tell them that I am hurting. But the people who share meals with me, those that come to my home for cook outs, the ones I see daily at work, those are the people I pretended to be fine with when I was not fine. I wonder if they did the same.
I feel grateful that I have a balance in my relationships now. I do know how to take care of my emotions and am able to process the difficulties, but I also don’t shy away from saying, “yeah, it’s been a bit tougher than usual lately. Do you have some space to listen?” And I do the same for them. We can just be ourselves, whatever that means in a moment and we are accepted. That feels like love.
Love for myself was something I did not realize I could build. I remember feeling as if I either needed to get it from somewhere out there, (a person or people or some other affirmation of my worth and value) or I did not have it. This created a scarcity mentality for me in which I found myself “seeking” love outside of myself. I learned throughout my adult life that loving myself is a gift not only to myself but to the people in my life. If I am on my own team about the issues I am facing, if I commit to not judge myself when I make a mistake, if I allow myself to look realistically at the beauty inside of me instead of focusing on the faults I have, I am a happier, more flexible person. I am also better able to be on other people’s teams when they are suffering, less likely to judge their actions or beliefs, and more able to be flexible when they need to change something for their own best interest.
Practices to Build Self Love:
Stop comparing. Can we take a moment to look at what we appreciate in ourselves? There is someone you admire in your life. I bet if you look at their qualities, you will relate to one of them and will see it in yourself. I use a practice in the mirror in which I say, “I like you. I hope you have a good day.” I will keep saying this until “I love you. This will be a good day. You’ve got this,” is easy.
Set healthy boundaries. If we are allowing people to walk over our boundaries, to pressure us, to make us feel badly by the way they speak to us, we are not loving ourselves. We can say no and part ways without creating conflict. Another thing I like to do is to check in to see if I have the time/energy/desire to attend things when asked. I say no with kindness when I do not have it in me. I don’t push or force myself to do what doesn’t feel aligned with my needs. That is self love.
Meditate. Sitting with myself, allowing myself to be, not judging my thoughts or emotional reactions is something that produced astounding results on my path to loving myself. I can honestly say that I think things like, “oops. I messed up. Time to apologize, make amends and do better,” and then I can follow through without excess guilt or shame. I no longer sit around beating myself up, saying terrible things about myself, sitting in low moods. I attribute much of this shift to practicing different forms of meditation.
Move your body. Enjoy the way it moves, see how awesome your body is when you dance or skip or bike or hike in the forest. Join a fun class, whatever is exciting to you. Box, Zumba, belly dance, ecstatic dance, practice yoga, power lift…anything that gets your heart pumping and your sweat going makes you feel fantastic. And knowing that we are caring for ourselves promotes self love.
Sleep. If sleep is difficult, refine your sleep hygiene. When I stop looking at screens an hour before bedtime, when I stop eating a few hours before bedtime, when I wind down with nice music, some deep breathing and a gratitude practice, I am OUT! Sometimes I need to write for a few minutes to get my thoughts out of my head or I make a list of what I need to remember for tomorrow, but it does help a lot to simply practice slowing down and easing into rest.
Eat healthy foods. I mean foods from the earth, as many whole foods as you can stand. The nutrients in fruits and vegetables have given me so much more pure energy. For my own healing journey I found that not drinking alcohol or coffee also helps me to have sustained levels of energy that are natural and do not come with a “crash” in the afternoons. Start slowly if you like, with one goal a week. I started with, “I will drink 6 glasses of water a day.” After I built that habit, I started a new one such as “I will eat one serving of vegetables with each dinner.” Simple works best.
Practice gratitude. This is probably my biggest Life Hack, next to meditation. Think about your blessings and the things that went well. Look at the positive things you did and said that day. Focus on your strengths and the characteristics you have that you wish to grow. Every morning and every evening I recall these things and allow my heart to fill up with the feeling of them. Life can be complicated and difficult, but we can return home to our hearts and our love for ourselves and our world.
Forgive yourself and others. As you know if you read my post on forgiveness, I am still working on this. And I am more successful each day. As I judge me less, expect less perfection and give more room to make mistakes and learn, it becomes easier to do this for others. We all need to make decisions about what boundaries we need when we have been harmed by others but we can still release the emotion of unforgiveness one day at a time. I feel much more free not carrying around resentment, anger, frustration, envy and victimhood.
Talk kindly to yourself. What do you need to hear right now? Instead of waiting to hear it from another person, say it to yourself. These days I am saying, “I am proud of you for your commitment to heal.” It feels good. It feels like love.
I hope this helps. Sending you love.

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