Before I decided to go into private practice I worked in Career Counseling at local institutions of higher education. I facilitated, assessed and managed discussions around individual and team values, interests, personality and strengths. We talked a lot about how to function in dynamics with other people but rarely did we discuss emotional intelligence. Most of us struggle to understand what emotional intelligence (EQ) is so let's talk about it.
The hopeful thing about Emotional Intelligence is that it is the part of the human psyche that can be transformed by practicing skills. Measures for intelligence (IQ) and personality have been found to be more static and improvement is limited. Our capacity to build EQ could be limitless. There are benefits having a high EQ as well. These benefits include having better interpersonal relationships, an easier time managing dyadic or group relationships, and increased feelings of belonging. Another great benefit to EQ is the ability to self reflect and manage our own emotions, even during times of stress. If we commit to EQ practices we can feel better socially, mentally, emotionally and physically. The research further suggests a correlation to high EQ and lower rates of depression.
In case you are curious, I would like to talk about the 5 parts of EQ and provide some ideas for practice. As it is the 25th anniversary of Daniel Goleman’s book, “Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ,” I will include a link for further research: Daniel Goleman
What is EQ? Daniel Goleman’s 5 Parts of Emotional Intelligence:
Goleman’s EQ parts include 2 components: 1.) managing personal skills or competences and 2.) managing social skills or competences.
Emotional Intelligence- PERSONAL SKILLS:
Self awareness: this is the ability to accurately reflect upon and interpret one’s internal state. Ask yourself these questions: What emotions am I feeling? What is the message of the emotion? Am I acting out of emotion and not in alignment with my values? What are my values? What do I believe is appropriate and inappropriate as far as behaviors? The skill of self awareness also includes self confidence, in this instance, that we are accurately aware of our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors and are able to assess whether or not our words, thoughts and behaviors contribute to well being or do not.
Self regulation: emotional self regulation is the skill of being able to manage the emotions once we are aware of them. This includes self control, or not acting out of big emotions. We can learn to control and manage our reactions to things with appropriateness to the situation. Another tenet is the ability to adapt and innovate to the environment around us despite our emotional state. The means that we can count to 10 or take a few breaths and return to a calm state before acting despite our situation. If we can self regulate, we can trust ourselves to feel, manage and allow our emotions without harming ourselves or someone else. Practice self reflection in the evening and ask if you were proud of the behaviors and responses you exhibited during the day. If not, what could you do differently? Would it be helpful to incorporate a mindful or calming practice during the day?
Motivation: people who are motivated to learn about themselves and emotions are able to set goals, practice awareness and emotional regulation. We can act on opportunities to improve our capacity for understanding and feeling our emotions. Some practice ideas include reading professional articles on EQ, taking a course on developing EQ skills, reading a book about it or asking a supervisor for opportunities to develop EQ at work. I also suggest incorporating a morning or evening mindful awareness practice, a reflection practice like journaling, or a meditation practice to help increase progress with EQ work.
Emotional Intelligence- SOCIAL SKILLS:
Empathy: this is the ability to be aware of and read another person or a group and to understand their point of view. It is the ability to understand, assess and validate what the feelings and needs of others might be in a moment. Learning active listening skills and to interpret nonverbal communication skills helps to build empathy. A quick practice for building empathy is to move to curiosity and ask questions instead of assuming what someone else is feeling or needs. Similarly, paying attention to facial expressions, body stances, etc. will help inform you about the ability of another person to have a conversation in a moment. They may need time to process what they are feeling. Give people time to come back to the conversation. Affirm what others are feeling and say that they need even if you do not agree. Our opinions about the feelings and needs of others can be misguided. Asking, believing and supporting others when they are vulnerable enough to tell you builds empathy.
Social Skills: are the skills needed in order to manage the emotional needs of others. The skills that are needed here include conflict management, leadership skills, persuasion and influencing skills, change management skills, building rapport, and teamwork skills. Research some ideas for developing these skills, you can find a lot of great articles on them.
I hope this helps. Sending you contemplation.

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