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Let's Talk About Emotions: Loneliness

Writer's picture: Ren Ren

Updated: Feb 16, 2024

Loneliness is a palpable emotion. It is one that can feel so intense that we push it away or distract ourselves from it. Have you noticed how you can feel lonely when you are in a room of people? Why is that?


For me, loneliness has been about a feeling of lack inside of myself combined with a sincere desire for connection with others. One thing I attached to is the perception that I was not often understood by others. I had a reputation for being “sensitive” and the connotation of that word was not always positive. I used to hear the words, “you’re too sensitive” and “why are you crying?” and “get over it” when I was young and felt deep emotions. I began to wonder if something might be wrong with me. Why am I crying? Is it okay? A lot of people in our society are uncomfortable with emotional displays as we have been taught not to feel or to push emotions down or away.


These thoughts that we are somehow “different” from others, that we are “more aware” or “more sensitive” than our counterparts create a separation from others. This separation, the idea that I am "different" from you, creates more loneliness. We may believe that if other people think and feel similar things to us they would speak them. This may not be the case. We must be open and willing to be vulnerable if we wish to know if others think or feel the things we do. In my experience, humans often have the same thoughts and feelings but are afraid to speak them aloud. So loneliness is also there because no one is speaking the truth of their thoughts and feelings.


I felt lonely in partnerships when I thought my partner didn't understand my needs. I felt lonely in friendships when I saw my friends do something without me or when they were not regularly texting and calling. I think it is interesting that we tend to blame someone, either ourselves or others when there is not regular communication. We get tired of putting in effort and may give up on our needs. In the past I would assume all kinds of things when I did not hear from someone. Now that I am able to get some distance from these thoughts and gently voice any questions or concerns I may have.


Sometimes there is a ending that occurs in relationships, much like the cycles of nature. There is a time and a season for them. Some people are in our lives for a big burst of fun or energy or connection, like the summer. Others comfort us for awhile when it is cold or we feel as if there is darkness in our path, like in winter. Our relationships may last many seasons but when we have both shared what we were meant to with one another, a natural falling away can occur. If we allow that to happen without getting angry or seeking to blame, we can feel into the energy of that particular relationship’s life cycle with gratitude for its time.


I’m now able to look back at past relationships with peace in my heart. I can see how and why people were in my life and are not present now. It feels freeing to enjoy the time that we had and to let go with a sincere wish that this person feels peace, too. I have noticed that in letting go of trying to control my relationships, they are free to be what they are meant to for me. The ones that naturally fall away allow me the opportunity to have new ones to nurture and blossom. I have a few friendship buds that I am nurturing right now and that feels nice.


Skills for Loneliness:


  1. Ask yourself what you need in order to feel connected. Loneliness is often a message that we have disconnected from ourselves or others. Are you spending too much time escaping into social media or something else? Are you attending to your emotions and taking care of yourself? Start with you and make sure that you are treating yourself with the love and care you deserve.

  2. Make a list of the people you have been meaning to talk to but have not done so. And then, text or call them if it feels right to you. It is important to manage your expectations around the responses and not to control the outcome of your reaching out. The thing you can do is say something like, “I’m sorry I have not been present. I’ve been meaning to talk with you. Do you have some time next week?” Then let go and what comes from that is what is meant for you.

  3. Do things you enjoy. What activities light you up? What makes you feel happy or excited about life? Find time to do them. I know this can feel tricky if you are already balancing multiple life roles, but it is possible to assess how much time you are spending on work or TV or whatever other things that are not bringing you the connection you desire. You can shift some of that and put it into something that does feel fun, creative, vibrant. I started writing again partially because it is a creative outlet that I enjoy and making time for it makes me feel happy. I try to get out in my community when there are events that sound fun to me. I spend less time on social media than I used to and I am not sad about that!

  4. Consider volunteering. There are great organizations out there who would love whatever talents you might have. Aligning with your values in the form of offering those talents can help you feel connected to people. You may also find other people with similar values who would like to get to know you. It can be doubly satisfying to be helping out with something you are passionate about and to find a new friend or two.

  5. Create your own club. I started a book club. My brother has a D&D group. I have a family member who golfs every Sunday on a novice team. Think about what you like to do and see if other people near you or online are doing it. If not, create your own. Try not to worry about what it will look like. Simply start the process of figuring it out. You can decide that you will find other people who want to do X sport or play Y game with you. See the vision and take a step forward. You don’t have to see how it will turn out yet, just keep going.

I hope this helps. Sending you connection.




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