Let's Talk About Emotions: Guilt

When something happens that I did not anticipate, when the outcome was different or when some one reacts in a way I could not predict, I feel guilt. I feel guilty when I look at the work I need to do and I choose to take time for myself. I feel overly responsible for people and situations. I feel as if I must be doing something wrong if some one perceives me as trying to be harmful. I get into a “fix it” mentality and I criticize myself. I’m struggling with this emotion now–what if I would have said x or y to my friend? Could I have done more? What is this emotion trying to tell me?

What is guilt? We can surmise that guilt is an emotion that is felt when we do or say something harmful or against our values. When I think about it that way, it makes me feel a bit better as it is a built-in system to ensure that I am showing up as the person I want to be. If I make a mistake and do not show up as that person, I can feel this feeling and look to repair the situation.

We live in a society that thrives on us feeling guilty: give more, do more, be more, achieve more. More…what? What if we are already a really good version of who we are meant to be? What if the guilt we are feeling is harmful or is misplaced? How do we know?

A PLAN FOR GUILT:

1.) Commit to exploring your emotions without judging them. Pretend that you are laying them out on a table to look at them, to inspect them. You can think of yourself as the Inspector of your Feelings.

2.) Name the guilt. What happened? What am I feeling guilty about?

3.) Check in on any messages you have taken in over the years that might contribute to feeling guilty. Again, examine your beliefs on that inspection table. Now you are the Inspector of your Thoughts. Do you hold beliefs about not being or doing enough? Do you think you have to earn everything from rest to kindness to joy? Does your brain tell you that you flawed or too needy? Maybe you think you let people down. Look at it and be curious.

4.) Ask yourself if you have done anything wrong. I understand that this may sound subjective, but you know you. And you know the person you want to be, the kind, generous loving person that resides inside of yourself. In my current situation, I have not done anything wrong. I didn’t predict a horrible event. So what do I do now? I let it go. I am called to release it because any further guilt I allow to swim around inside of my body will only sink me deeper into my suffering. I will work on releasing my guilt by feeling it when it comes up, naming it, sending myself love and letting it flow out of me. I will breathe through it and remind myself that I have not done anything wrong. I will be gentle and kind.

If you do believe that you have done something wrong–

5.) Apologize and make amends. Again, I invite you not to judge yourself for making mistakes is the most human way of being. I have tried to be perfect for 40-some years and it is exhausting. Human perfection does not exist. Admitting that you screwed up without being cruel to yourself is the key. We all make mistakes. All of us. Love yourself through it and take responsibility. Ask the person/people you have wronged, “How can I be there for you? How can I make this right for you? How can I help?” It is possible that they may not immediately wish to allow you to repair the relationship. If that is the case, it is okay to give them space and time. Try again later. Be on your own team about it, knowing that you cannot force some one to allow you to repair a relationship. Understand that needing some time and space is a normal part of maintaining authentic relationships.

6.) Learn from your mistake. What actions did you take that lead you to make it? What would you do differently now? Nothing is ever wasted if we take the time to process our words and behaviors in this way. We become better.

7.) Thank people for forgiving your transgressions. I am either early to places or late and I thank my family/friends for understanding. When my friends allow me to recover when I speak out of turn, I tell them I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow. It makes us feel closer.

8.) Throughout this process of inspecting and moving through guilt, promise yourself that you will be kind to you. Talk to yourself as if you would your very best friend or a sweet 4-year-old child who meant no harm to any one. Say things to yourself like, “I know it hurts that you messed up. I love you. Let’s figure this out together.”

9.) Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. (The second one was for me.)

10.) Remember that if you commit to learning from your mistakes, guilt belongs in the past. It will not do anything helpful and if you leave it inside of yourself, it will cause you harm. Let it go. Let it flow. It’s okay. You are human. All is well.

I hope this helps.