If I could name one emotion that presents itself in every client I see it is fear. I admit that I have felt a lot of fear, too. I felt afraid that I could screw up, that I will not get the thing that I want, that I will not be capable of joy or success. I felt afraid about how people might react when I made decisions that were in my best interest. I felt afraid to face things that are unknown to me, where predicting what is next was not possible. Mostly I was afraid to be rejected, disregarded or dismissed by others. If I let my fear take over, I would have a very small life because my fear never wants me to do anything.
Fear is odd that way. It wants to isolate us and keep us vigilant about resources and the motives of others. Fear keeps us trapped in a dark little cocoon that is actually made of gossamer but we think it is made of heavy steel. Fear is a visceral feeling that snakes up from the belly to the chest. It feels cold, it gives me the shivers. It is primal, a survival response. We may feel an unpleasant amount of awareness and perceive danger, even if it is not actually there. Typical responses to fear include fight, flight or freeze. We may act or not act due to feelings of fear and this has helped us on an evolutionary level. Fear lives in the present, whereas anxiety is the feeling of a future threat. In order to make decisions that are in alignment with our best selves, we need to feel safe in the moment. That means releasing fear.
A PRACTICE FOR RELEASING FEAR:
Take time out to listen to your fears and question your fear-based stories. What are they about? Consider writing them down: "I am afraid that I am not going to be successful at work." Go deeper. In what way? How do you define success? What would success look like? Can you visualize yourself being successful?
Drop the struggle to calm down. It is okay for you to feel a range of emotions. Telling yourself or trying to force yourself to feel calm will have the opposite effect. Be willing to feel the fear, knowing that you can build skills and get support.
Check in and see if your fear is panic. Are you panicking? This video isn't mine but it is wonderful educational tool. Take a look and learn the panic disorder skills from Therapist in a Nutshell here and more about anxiety versus panic here.
Try 4,7,8 breathing. Not all breathing is helpful for fear. Breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 7 counts and breathing out for 8 counts for as long as 20 or 30 minutes may be helpful if you are able to find this rhythm. This is the only way I can fly when there is turbulence. It works for me.
Imagine the worst. Sometimes it's helpful to imagine that you will actually lose your job for something like misspeaking in a meeting. Try and watch the story play out like a comedy in which the star (you) is convinced that saying the wrong thing will get them fired, only to be shown that it doesn't happen and every one laughs about their creative imagination. Most likely the worst case scenario your brain is conjuring will not happen. Really, almost never.
Look at the evidence. Ask yourself if what you are worrying about is realistic or has happened before. Alternatively, instead of continuing to follow the thoughts about what can go wrong, challenge yourself to think about what could go well for you. It's important to balance negative thoughts by also looking at the positive. You could be surprised or even a bit excited about the possibilities regarding what could work if you take the time to think about it.
Don't expect perfection. You are not perfect. I am not perfect. Life isn't perfect. It is okay to recognize that life is kind of messy and not usually good or bad. Just a lot of things at once.
Visualize a happy place. Where do you feel peace? What does beauty, safety or calm look like to you. Create it in your mind. Let positive feelings envelope you as you allow yourself to stay there for a short while.
Talk about it. Call some one you trust; a therapist, friend, coach, mentor, family member or advisor. If you prefer anonymity that is okay, too. Call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Line and talk to someone who is trained, will understand and can help you.
Take care of your basic needs. Eat nurturing whole foods, drink water, move your body, take a walk, listen to music, get good rest. Do your best not to turn to substances to help, but to really take good care of yourself.
Treat yourself. Sometimes we need a break and a little treat. Watch a funny show, read a good book, take yourself out for a meal. It's good to recognize that you are more than fear, anxiety or panic. You can give yourself some of the things you enjoy and that can also shift your experience.
Worry to me, is a subset of fear. It is fear’s more sophisticated cousin because it doesn’t bait us in such an obvious way. Worry tells us that we can and will predict the future. We just need a few minutes to ruminate and then we will magically uncover the next future step. Our brain interprets worry as being productive, which is why it is so powerful. Worry feels more like a well-meaning dog stuck to my leg. The dog just wants to love me and to be there for me but might trip me as it attempts to be close. My worries are usually about my job, my health, my family or my friends. Sometimes I catch myself sitting and thinking about what could happen to me or to them and I try to solve events in the future that have not and may not ever occur. I’m allowed to shift that, I have decided. I get to reclaim my time and use it for something else.
A PRACTICE FOR WORRY:
1.) Tell yourself that you can and will worry and that you will do it for 15 minutes at the end of the day. Pick a time, schedule it, and put a reminder in your phone. If your brain tries to worry before that time, tell your brain, “thank you for reminding me, but I am worrying at 7:30” and go back to what you were doing. Take some deep belly breaths and use some sensory-based grounding practices if needed.
2.) When it is your designated time to worry, get out a pen and a piece of paper. Ask yourself:
What is going on that could make me feel anxious?
What is 1 thing I can do to prepare for that?
What is 1 reason that it may not be so bad?
What is 1 positive about this situation?
3.) Write down all possible solutions. Try not to judge them until you get them out of your head and on paper. That can create objectivity and perspective. If you like, you can bring your worry list to a partner, friend or therapist to help them to understand more about how worry and rumination are affecting you. Maybe while doing this you find the solution you could not find because your brain was busy worrying.
4.) Breathe in safety and exhale tension. Breathe in trust and exhale stress. Breathe in love and breathe out fear.
I hope this helps.
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