When we compare ourselves to others there are only two options: we win or we lose in the comparison. Social media has made it extra easy to look at the glossier, more perfect versions of the lives of others and to every sort of comparison. One of the prevalent emotions we may feel when we mentally compare ourselves to others is envy.
I want to first explain that envy is not jealousy, which is something that most therapists and researchers agree upon. These two experiences are not the same. Sometimes, however, there is still debate on the difference between them as well as the definitions of each. For our purposes here are my working definitions:
Envy: is the emotion we feel when we want what some one else has. It could be a possession or an attribute. A 2015 study reported that 90 percent of envy recall happens in one of three categories:
1.)Attraction: We may envy some one else’s physical attractiveness, their social standing or ability to engage others romantically. When you look at TikTok, for example, are you constantly looking at how beautiful people are? It does nothing positive for your sense of self to compare how you look in real life to how someone looks online or in movies/TV shows.
2.)Competence: This means envy of some one else’s knowledge base, wisdom, or ability to do certain tasks. An example of this is to compare yourself to other people at your job or in your field. Do you compare myself to them? Are you looking for ways to win? Thinking thoughts such as “I will never know as much as that person. I cannot sell like they can" leaves us feeling lacking. In those moments we are not thinking about our strengths and that can set us up for feeling unworthy.
3.)Wealth: This is all about comparing ourselves to those who can afford the lifestyle we would like to have. Maybe they have the ability to travel to beautiful destinations, or have accumulated material wealth and financial freedom. Do you spend time feeling as if you deserve what someone else has? Does it make you feel frustrated or angry?
According to researchers, envy is commonly felt between two people, or it could be a comparison of two groups of people. Example: I belong to X group and Y group is considered to be more attractive. Or– I belong to A group and B group typically earns more money. The thing about envy is that it often comes with hostility, with thoughts about wanting what someone else has and not wanting them to have it. Or wanting them to fail. This is envy.
Jealousy: is the cognitive appraisal of threat because we might lose status or a social position. Jealousy is a mental response to other emotions such as anger, sadness or fear. We think jealous thoughts, we do not feel an emotion called jealousy. Researchers say that it typically occurs between three people or two people and a perceived threat. So it could be that there is one perceived threat in a relationship between two people. The threat could be another person or it could be an event or a situation like a hobby or a job. It is not always a romantic threat as jealousy could also applies to sibling relationships, parent-child, co workers or friendships. Jealousy is more utilized in our vernacular and more socially acceptable. Jealousy is something we may engage with when our partner spends time with other people or on a hobby. The feelings that accompany jealousy may be anger, resentment, frustration or fear (of losing time with them).
Help for Envy and Jealousy:
1.) Ask yourself if you want something that some one else has. Remind yourself that comparing is not helpful but that there may be some components of that quality/situation that you could incorporate into your own world. For example, when I start comparing myself to other therapists, it is helpful to take a step back and appreciate the work they are doing. I step back and recognize that I do not wish that they lose their success or fail in any way. (If I did, I would explore that feeling without judgment.) I then ask myself if there is a piece or a part of the work they are doing that I would enjoy building into my life. Then I take action.
2.) Ask yourself if you are losing something you value to another person? What kind of conversation can you have with the person you are worried about losing in some way? Can you write out talking points, asking curious questions about how to negotiate a new person or experience in their life? If you make the focal point about connection and about seeking to understand and to come to agreement, the conversation rarely ends in conflict. Where is the point of connection, where do we come together on the possibilities here?
3.) If you are having jealous thoughts it is important to identify and address the feelings underneath these thoughts. Are you attending to your fear, your anger, your sadness? If not, that is something you can do that will help you feel better almost immediately. If you are feeling envy, shift to gratitude for your life. Pay extra attention to the wonderful people in your life. Enjoy your home more, talk to the people you love and be present with feelings of appreciation. Remind yourself that you are unique and cannot be compared to any one else. You are cared for, have many strengths and can choose to feel pretty satisfied with your life. Write down your strengths and what you are grateful for and look at the list whenever you need it.
4.) Manage your social media input. Particularly if you are looking at other people’s accounts and inferring that their lives are “easier” or “better” than your own. You are not seeing the difficulties, the challenges or the pain they experience on social media. You are seeing polished and edited versions of people and a slice of their lives.
5.) Be mindful of the company you keep. I read once that we are the composite of the 5 people we spend the most time with. So if you spend time with people who are never satisfied with their lives or their families or who focus more on the material things in life, it will be more challenging for you to release envy or jealous thinking. It feels good to people who enjoy their lives, who know that they are not perfect but are grateful for the people and the blessings they do have. Gratitude is a practice from which we can all benefit.
6.) Push back against Capitalistic culture. Advertising is everywhere and gets better all of the time. The goal of most companies is to make you feel as if you do not have what you need in order to feel successful, attractive or happy. This tactic is literally to get your money. You are perfectly imperfect the way you are without the newest thing. Tune out ads whenever you can, do not focus on them. They do not have your best interest in mind.
7.) Celebrate the success of others. What if life is not a competition? What if there is enough success for all of us? What if we are all meant to walk a different path as a unique individual? If that is true, comparing ourselves to someone else really doesn’t make sense. Practice cheering when those around you do well and remind yourself that when one of us wins, it’s a win for all of us. It’s tough enough living on this planet sometimes, let’s enjoy our successes and the successes of others as much as we can.
8.) Be generous. Give away some of your time, energy, talents and skills however it feels right. Support some one who could use your combination of abilities. Giving to others helps us realize how much we do have, instead of focusing on what we do not have.
I hope this helps. Sending you healing.

Comments