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Let's Talk About Skills: Building Confidence

Writer's picture: Ren Ren

Updated: Feb 17, 2024

Have you ever met someone who seems to be effortlessly calm and comfortable? They say things like, “it will all work out” or “we’ve got this” and exude the energy of positivity. I have not historically felt this way. When I was younger, I thought I was confident, but upon reflection, I am not so sure. Maybe I was faking it and instead simply jumped in to situations without thinking things through. Today I am working on being aware of my options, weighing them and trusting myself to make the best decision for myself in the moment.


Some things that can make confidence feel difficult to cultivate include holding on to the past or fearing what is coming in the future. New situations and transitions may be difficult because we are unable to use past experience to predict how things might go for us. We may also be clinging to past mistakes in which we feel regret for a choice we made, making it feel challenging to feel confident in our ability to make choices.


I believe that people become more confident because they keep trying and confidence is a practice. I recognize that when I push away from new experiences that I do not have the opportunity to succeed or to fail and that I stay stagnant. If I allow myself to take small steps and to move forward with something, it will either work out or I will learn something. That, to me, is success. So in this way, I try to redefine what I used to think of as failure.


It is only a failure if we do not try or if we try and refuse to learn. When something does not immediately work out for me, instead of saying, “well, that’s over and it was a horrible experience,” I take a minute to process my feelings. After I have allowed myself to feel and to release the emotions then I can get curious. I will say things to myself like, “okay. So that didn’t work out the way you had hoped. That’s okay. What can we learn? What could you do differently next time?” Redefining failure and incorporating a learning mentality has helped me to become more confident.


Short Practices for Building Confidence:


  1. Commit to getting things done. I make my bed in the morning. I do a morning routine. I set small goals for myself that I know are easily manageable. This builds confidence for the larger things I need to do. In the past, I would procrastinate out of fear of the unknown or of not feeling capable. Now I do something easy, then something that doesn’t feel as easy, then something easy, etc. I face the bigger issues and I reach out for support if I am not sure how to move forward.

  2. Show up with integrity. What would the best version of yourself say or do in the situation you are in? Say and do that. Once you show up in that way for yourself and for others, you begin to trust yourself and that builds confidence. Sometimes this means choosing the thing that feels “more difficult” but that in the long run will make you proud of who you are.

  3. Move your body. There is a mind-body connection. When you move your body, you move stuck and stagnant emotions and energy, too. Moving my body makes me feel free, strong, capable and confident. Start small with something you like to do, it can be anything from walking to swimming to biking or dancing. Any kind of movement will move anxiety through so you can continue to focus on being who you want to be.

  4. Have courage. I know, this might feel difficult. It can be difficult for me, too. But that shift I made where I decided that failure is only if I do not try or do not learn has really helped me to show up for new things. You can tell yourself something like: “I can do this. I’m in this moment and I am here to try my best” or “I’ve never done this before and that’s okay. I can figure it out one step at a time.” Speaking to yourself this way will build more courage to do things. Doing more things builds confidence.

  5. Take opinions lightly. It can be a blessing or it can ruin your self confidence to listen too closely to the advice of others, even those trusted family and friends who mean well. They are not walking your life path and do not know how you intuitively feel and what you might need. Many people around us think that sharing their opinions about our choices is helpful but the opposite can be true. If you find yourself second-guessing an intuitive knowing that you have that something feels “right” to you, check in and see if this is coming from an external source. You may find that the opinions and advice of others is coming from their own personal experiences and values and they may not be right for you. Check in with yourself to see if you agree with the advice you are getting. The more you trust yourself and follow the nudges you feel, the more confident you become.

  6. Promise only what you can give. I see this happen a lot, that my clients commit to too many projects and activities because they feel obligated and want to be helpful. What winds up happening instead is that they are not able to follow through with all of the things to which they have committed. Take a look at your commitments and ask yourself if they are life-giving or life-draining. If you say yes to the things that give you energy and enthusiasm while not overextending, you can show up the way you want. You will follow through with your promises and will feel good about yourself. You are a human being, not a human doing, after all. Your energy is precious and you deserve the best of it, too.

  7. Think about long-term goals using small steps. For example, I have a lot of clients who want to lose weight. It is a big and a long term goal. We start by breaking it down for simplicity purposes and ask what one thing they can commit to until it becomes a habit. Often we start with drinking enough water. We practice that until it becomes easy. Then we build in a new habit such as eating more whole foods. We practice that until it becomes easy. Breaking down big goals helps us build confidence because we are using the amount of habit shifting that will feel workable in our lives. We can reach goals faster, which builds momentum, and ultimately, confidence.

I hope this helps. Sending you ease.



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