I'm writing on a cloudy morning as I sit on my couch and feel content. Lately small images of past versions of myself float in and out of my awareness as I remain conscious of choices I am making that I would not have made in the past. I think about times when I would have become scared about situations to come. I remember how much I worried about the opinions and actions of other people. My thoughts and feelings were full of worries, ego struggles, negative narratives, impostor syndrome, perfectionism, and fears that others might reject or dislike me. Today I am struck by how peaceful I feel.
How did I get here?
I am quiet. I hear the words in my mind, "because you chose peace for yourself."
Choosing peace is not something we do in just one moment. For me, the choice to make peace a priority happened gradually during a time when I was running around trying to please every one around me. I was looking haggard and my thoughts were full of ruminations regarding what other people might wish for me to say or to do. I was fielding requests both personally and professionally without considering the effects of surrounding myself in chaos or of trying to be the hero to every one outside of me. I got the last of my energy, the dregs and the measly amount of positive cheer, support or goodwill I had left. I was unhappy. I was tired. I felt burned out. Sometimes resentful. I wanted a change.
Choosing peace meant that I first decided to connect with myself in the morning and the evening. I would tune into my thoughts, and the thoughts that were about the future, competition, unfairness, judgment, anger, fear, unworthiness or dissatisfaction, I would note. I allowed them to be there and then asked myself if this was a thought I wanted to cultivate or to make bigger. No, I would think, and I would focus on my breath and the pleasant scent of my candle. I chose a more peaceful thought such as, "I am calm in this moment. In this moment all is well and I am grateful. I can be here now. I am peaceful."
When my emotions were not in alignment with peace, I was patient with myself. I would ask myself what I needed in order to feel heard and seen. I recognized that no one else had the answers for me, that I need to be responsible for and tender with my emotions. They are messengers and I wanted to greet them and to understand them. Instead of criticizing myself or pushing the emotions away, I committed to feeling them so I could understand what I needed. Feeling the full spectrum of emotions was not as scary as I thought it would be and I started to see that if I did not resist my emotions, they would be there to inform me and then they would leave fairly quickly. After the emotion passed, I could make a decision that was in alignment with peace. This process made me feel proud of myself because I was showing up as the kind and generous person I truly am simply by paying attention to and supporting my own needs.
Next, I let go of being right. Sometimes that felt more difficult than others. My point of view and opinions were strong in certain areas, particularly around what I feel is right for issues surrounding inclusion, equity, financial compensation. I started to take a step back from my own beliefs of "right," which eliminated the other side of "wrong." Once I decided to do that, I could be curious when people had differing viewpoints. I could listen and not feel attached to changing their minds, (rarely can we change someone else's mind for them.) As a result, I began to feel more freedom and connection in my relationships. The attachment to being right and to outside systems and people changing was weighing me down. It was stealing my peace.
Finally, I decided to pay attention to what I was digesting. By that, I do mean food, too. I paid more attention to my diet, I stopped eating and drinking things that made me feel tired or sick to my stomach. I eliminated alcohol, gluten, coffee and most dairy, which was a process, but again, it helped me to allow for feelings of calm and contentment because I was not in pain. I also looked at my entertainment and phone diet and other habits that were not serving me. One by one I built better habits that allowed peace to remain a priority. Slowly and surely, I have become a different person. I am grateful for the person I was but am so much more me than ever before. And I feel calm. And that feels right.
I wonder if any of this will help you. I hope so. Sending you peace.
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