HOW TO BEGIN SHADOW WORK
I have always been fascinated by patterns; board game puzzles, word puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, people puzzles. I like to step back and observe a moment. I seek to find patterns, either ones that are helpful and feel in alignment with honoring the space of others and the situation, or to find patterns that no longer feel workable. It is the latter that I focus on often when doing Shadow Work with others. We ask questions such as “What thoughts do you notice are repeating?
What behaviors are you engaging in that do not feel healthy?
What emotions feel stagnant, sort of as if you are sitting in a bathtub full of emotion?
What is the archetype, theme, or core beliefs that feels limiting and requires letting go?”
In order to access these patterns, we must be in a space where we are aware and willing to see. I have struggled with the idea that I am not perfect and that the world is not always nice or peaceful. Something about my resiliency turns sideways from time to time and I want to refuse to see anything that is dark or unpleasant. A good therapist friend of mine recently said to me, “maybe you can just make some room on the couch next to you for the ugly things. You don’t have to embrace them, just be aware that they are there.”
It is in knowing if you are in a resources place and feel you have the internal strength to do this work that is important. When I do not feel resourced, I step back and look at what I need. Am I not sleeping well? Have I fallen into some habits that need reworking? How am I speaking to myself? Do I feel grounded, or am I feeling dissociated in some way? It takes a lot o self compassion, bravery and grounding to do this kind of work.
This brings me to offering my definition of Shadow Work. Shadow Work is the process of becoming aware of the parts of ourselves that sprung up from past hurts. These parts vowed that you would not hurt again. As a result, these parts can be severe, rigid, cold, or consist of a masking archetype The Shadow exists as a part of us and our unconscious mind. The Shadow contains our disowned parts, or our weaknesses, desires, survival instincts and repressed emotions, thoughts and ideas. When we decide to engage in Shadow Work, we are effectively becoming aware of and moving towards embracing these parts of ourselves. We do this so that no part of ourselves is unlovable, no part is rejected. When we embrace our weakness or unhelpful emotional and mental patterns, we can accept them. Acceptance of our full true selves allows us to be compassionate and loving to ourselves and then to others. Once we are aware of all of our parts, we can also choose to grow.
Shadow Work Example: I will never be perfect so I can lean into compassion for the part of me that wants to be. I accept that perfectionism symbolizes worthiness and clearly understand that this comes from not wanting to be criticized by others and a need to have belonging. When I am aware of my perfectionism part coming up, I say, “It’s okay. I see you. I know you want to belong. What can we do to fill that need? Let’s reach out to a friend and talk a bit about this feeling.” Or I open my journal, take a walk in nature and befriend myself, or I talk to myself with kindness. All of these strategies help me to embrace all of me and therefore love all of me.
7 Steps to Start Shadow Work:
Commit to nonjudgment. Every one has parts of themselves that they are not proud of. If you are unable to feel okay looking at them right now, that is just fine. Take some time to continue to give yourself compassion. My favorite workbook is the Mindfulness and Self Compassion Workbook by Dr Kristen Neff and Dr Christopher Germer. It is fantastic and will help you to get on your own side first. Self compassion is simply accepting who we are, where we are, and the choices we have made. It is remembering that everyone struggles, and that we are not alone or bad or different for the things we said, did, or experienced. Once you hold yourself with self compassion, shadow work will feel much easier.
Determine your support system: do you prefer to work with a therapist or a Spiritual Teacher, a coach, or a mentor. Do NOT do this work alone. In fact, please do tell the trusted people in your life that you are doing shadow work and that some themes may come up that you need to address, you may feel energetically tired, and you would appreciate a bit of extra space to share when they have time. It can be helpful to have more objective third parties to help you see your patterns, to hold your hand, or just sit next to you as you process something. I know that I utilize my friends and close family members for this purpose and would not be as successful without helpful people to lean on.
Practice seeing your inner shadow. Observe your thought patterns. What are your thoughts about? What themes are you observing? Are your thoughts helpful? Now practice with habits and behaviors. Are there things that you do that you hope others do not find out about? Why is that? Where did you learn the habit/behavior? Do you feel it is serving you now, why or why not? If you determine a habit needs shifting, what supports would you need? What could a first step be?
Think about your childhood. Were you fully accepted by parents or caregivers as a child? What emotions were unacceptable back then? How did you know they were unacceptable? Are you repressing those emotions now? Have you shifted the behavior in your family line? How so? Might you give yourself more credit?
Move away from shame. Accept yourself fully as you are, warts and all. We are all a combination of dualities and contradictions. The best we can do is to be aware of that and to embrace what we are thinking and feeling so that we can allow it to be acceptable. That doesn’t mean that we have to sit in dense emotions or continue to follow unhelpful thoughts. It simply means that nothing we do or say is unacceptable as long as we are not harming ourselves or others. We can look at our emotions, thoughts and behaviors and make adjustments or ask for support. Practice affirming your worth when you notice a shadow part of yourself “I am here with you. You are worthy of love and support. How can I help?”
Thank your emotional triggers. When a perfectionism or a comparison trigger comes up for me, (usually for me it shows up as unworthiness or envy) I thank it. I feel the feeling, I think about where it is currently coming from. Then I think about a time when my emotional needs were not met, and I send myself love or rework the scenario as my own parent, this is called reparenting. Then, emptied from that dense emotion, I can decide how to respond to my current trigger. Every moment we have is an opportunity to heal. Each moment functions like a portal, we can walk through it in a new way, a way in which we feel confident and as if we hold compassion and integrity. This is the feeling of empowerment.
Make time for Light Work, too. Just as it's not healthy to avoid seeing the darker realities of the world, it's too heavy to only do this work without giving yourself a light boost. Incorporate nature, beauty, creativity, and what brings you joy into your shadow work practice so you don't burn out. We aren't meant to sustain imbalance in any form. Use your discretion and learn to understand when you need a break from the Shadow.
I hope this helps. Sending you compassion on your journey.
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