7 Steps to Begin Shadow Work

I have always been fascinated by patterns; board game puzzles, word puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, people puzzles. I like to step back and observe a moment. I seek to find patterns, either ones that are helpful and feel in alignment with honoring the space of others and the situation, or to find patterns that no longer feel workable. It is the latter that I focus on often when working with others. We ask questions such as “What thoughts do you notice are repeating? What behaviors are you engaging in that do not feel healthy? What emotions feel stagnant, sort of as if you are sitting in a bathtub full of emotion? What is the theme or are there core beliefs that feel old that require letting go?”

In order to access these patterns, we must be aware and willing to see. I have struggled with the idea that I am not perfect and that the world is not always nice or peaceful. Something about my resiliency turns sideways from time to time and I seem to refuse to see anything that is dark or unpleasant. A good therapist friend of mine recently said to me, “maybe you can just make some room on the couch next to you for the ugly things. You don’t have to embrace them, just be aware that they are there.”

This brings me to the concept of Shadow Work. Shadow Work is the process of becoming aware of the parts of ourselves that we may wish to put away or to lock up behind a cell door, never to be acknowledged. The Shadow exists as a part of us and our unconscious mind. The Shadow contains our disowned parts, or our weaknesses, desires, survival instincts and repressed emotions, thoughts and ideas. When we decide to engage in Shadow Work, we are effectively becoming aware of and moving towards embracing these parts of ourselves. We do this so that no part of ourselves is unlovable, no part is rejected. When we embrace our weakness or unhelpful emotional and mental patterns, we can accept them. Acceptance of our full true selves allows us to be compassionate and loving to ourselves and then to others. Once we are aware of all of our parts, we can also choose to grow.

Shadow Work Example: I will never be perfect so I can lean into compassion for the part of me that wants to be. I accept that perfectionism symbolizes worthiness and clearly understand that this comes from not wanting to be criticized by others and a need to have belonging. When I am aware of my perfectionism part coming up, I say, “It’s okay. I see you. I know you want to belong. What can we do to fill that need? Let’s reach out to a friend and talk a bit about this feeling.” Or I open my journal or I talk to myself with kindness. All of these strategies help me to embrace all of me and therefore love all of me.

7 Steps to Start Shadow Work:

1. Commit to nonjudgment. Every one has parts of themselves that they are not proud of. If you are unable to feel okay looking at them right now, that is just fine. Take some time to continue to give yourself compassion. My favorite workbook is the Mindfulness and Self Compassion Workbook by Dr Kristen Neff and Dr Christopher Germer. It is fantastic and will help you to get on your own side first. Once you hold yourself with self compassion, shadow work will feel much easier.
   

2. Determine if you prefer to work with a therapist or if you would like to do this work alone. It can be helpful to have a more objective third party to spot your patterns for you. I know that I utilize my therapist friends and close family members for this purpose and am not sure I would be as successful without an outside perspective. Having said that, there are journals and workbooks on doing shadow work if you find one that resonates. I do recommend telling a couple of people in your life that you are doing this work so you can feel supported.
   

3. Practice seeing your inner shadow. Observe your thought patterns. What are your thoughts about? What themes are you observing? Are your thoughts helpful? Now practice with habits and behaviors. Are there things that you do that you hope others do not find out about? Why is that? Where did you learn that your habit/behavior was not appropriate? Do you feel it is still not appropriate for you? If so, how can you shift that habit or behavior so you can align with your values?
   

4. Think about your childhood. Were you fully accepted by parents or caregivers as a child? What emotions were unacceptable back then? How did you know they were unacceptable? Are you repressing those emotions now?
   

5. Move away from shame. Accept yourself fully as you are, warts and all. We are all a combination of dualities and contradictions. The best we can do is to be aware of that and to embrace what we are thinking and feeling so that we can allow it to be acceptable. That doesn’t mean that we have to sit in dense emotions or continue to follow unhelpful thoughts. It simply means that nothing we do or say is unacceptable as long as we are not harming ourselves or others. We can look at our emotions, thoughts and behaviors and make adjustments or ask for support. Practice affirming your worth when you notice a shadow part of yourself “I am here with you. You are worthy of love and support. How can I help?”
   

6. Thank your emotional triggers. When a perfectionism or a comparison trigger comes up for me, (usually for me it shows up as unworthiness or envy) I thank it. I feel the feeling, I think about where it is currently coming from. Then I think about when I felt that way as a child and how I either had my emotional needs met or did not get them met. When I feel my feelings and understand the message they are sending me, they naturally leave my body. Then, emptied from that dense emotion, I can decide how to respond to my trigger. Every moment we have is an opportunity to heal. Each moment functions like a portal, we can walk through it in a new way, a way in which we feel confident and as if we hold compassion and integrity. This is the feeling of empowerment.
   

7. Make Shadow Work creative. Maybe you could start a shadow journal and use words and images to communicate to your shadow. Artwork is also one of the best ways of integrating emotional healing. Draw, color or paint what your shadow looks and feels like. You could incorporate love energy into your art and then see your shadow transform. Another easy way to do shadow work is to simply talk to your shadow. Ask what that part needs from you and give it to yourself.

I hope this helps. Sending you compassion