I used to keep things that happened to me a secret. Sometimes it was because I loved and trusted the person who did terrible things, other times I didn’t want to burden others with the things that were said and done to me. I felt obligated not to talk about the things that happened out of loyalty to others and a sense of over responsibility to anyone who would hear an ugly truth if I said anything. I did not realize that I internalized the things that were said and done to me for years. I mistook the words and actions of some one else as a measure of my own worth and value. I felt worthless.
What is shame?
Shame is the feeling that we are in a room with our most beloved family members and friends and they are saying the worst, most horrible things about us. Out loud. In front of us and each other. Shame is universal and is the heaviest emotion we carry, in my experience. If you are some one who is able to feel empathy, you have also experienced shame. We are terrified to talk about it because we are afraid of what people will think if they really know us. If they only knew how broken or damaged we actually are, they would not accept us. Shame thrives in secrecy, in judgment and in silence. The more we avoid it the more power it has.
When I think of shame I think of well-known researcher and author, Dr Brene Brown. She has a couple of specials on Netflix and HBO if you are able to check them out. Brown has written countless books and published cutting edge research around how shame is linked to our fear of feeling disconnected from other people. She also seems to have found an antidote to shame, which is empathy. If we meet shame with empathy for ourselves and have the courage to speak our truth, we can heal ourselves and help others to heal, too. The more we talk about the things we feel shame around, the more connected we feel, the more we belong to ourselves and one another.
Examples Shared by Brene Brown’s Research Participants from an Early Study of Shame (Source: Atlas of the Heart, by Brene Brown):
Things participants said about their experiences with shame: “Hiding the fact that I’m in recovery/ Raging at my children/ Bankruptcy/ Getting laid off and having to tell my pregnant wife/ My boss calling me an idiot in front of the client/ My [partner] leaving me for the next door neighbor/ My DUI/ My [partner] asking for a divorce and telling me that she wants children, but not with me/ Infertility/ Internet porn/ Flunking out of school twice/ Hearing my parents fight through the walls and wondering if I am the only one who feels this afraid.”
Brown’s definition of shame, from the same research: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.”
Brown discovered 4 elements of shame resilience in her research. She discovered that some people were able to move through feelings of shame without sacrificing their values or self worth. I’m going to share the four steps with you here and remind you that they do not need to happen in order. They simply all need to happen for us to move through shame.
My interpretation of Brene Brown’s 4 Elements of Shame Resilience—Move Through Shame: (Source: Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown)
1.) Recognize shame and understand what triggers you. Can you feel it in your body, do you hear it in your self talk? What expectations of yourself and what messages might have triggered shame? Put your Curious Hat on and look at it without getting swept away (too much emotion) or pretending like it is not happening (denial).
2.) Practice critical thinking. Ask yourself to be truthful about whether or not your expectations of yourself or the messages you are taking in are realistic or attainable. What messages did you learn growing up? What does society tell you about yourself? Is taking on this lowered sense of self where you want to be? Are you gripping this emotion because you are afraid to talk about what you need help with and how you are feeling? Do you worry too much about what people will think of you?
3.) Reach out. Reach out, reach out, reach out. Please. You matter. Your life matters. Your quality of life matters. Sharing your story with some one you trust will do the opposite of what your brain believes; it will help you and that other person feel connection and can help you to find solutions to your situation. Move towards connection instead of fearing that people will abandon you if they know what is really going on.
4.) Speak to shame. What do you need when you feel shame? What helps you to remember that your life is precious, that you are no less valuable than you were before something happened to you? Do not give in to silence, secrecy and judgment.
I hope this helps.

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