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Parenting Conflicts

Writer's picture: Ren Ren

Updated: Jun 13, 2024

“All perspectives are valid and we honor them here,” I found myself saying to a client who felt trapped in the middle of a continual power struggle between her partner and their tween. My client was feeling the very real pull between both parties and was coming to the conclusion that she wanted to side with their child. Her reasoning was realistic and made logical sense. She said that her partner was not acting emotionally available and was behaving in a passive-aggressive manner. As a mother she was interested in her child standing up for self and sibling and to feel empowered by saying what they felt in the moment was wrong about a situation.


Although understandable, a potential issue with this response is that any decision made to take a side can further trigger family conflict and separation. When we decide that we are right or another person or party are right, we automatically create the side of wrong. We then feel justified in creating reasons why we are on the side of ‘right’, which can lead to quarrels, competition, frustration and anger. Eventually our relationship dynamic can become a chess match or a courtroom in which all parties try to convince the other person that they are wrong. We may also create more reasons why the other parties are ‘wrong’ which keeps the connection distant and conditional.


Many times in these situations, the other person feels just as passionate about their perspective. In this example, my client’s partner landed on, “our child is disrespectful and should not ever speak to me that way.” What happens next is that he engages in dialogue in alignment with a side of right and a side of wrong. When we mentally separate in terms like "good vs bad" or "right vs wrong" we create “teams” or “sides” with an “us vs them” mindset. This mindset causes us to lose sight of curiosity about our family member/friend/partner. We may ignore the ability we have to hold differing perspectives and move away from trying to understand what is happening in those we care for.


“Are you attached to the idea that someone needs to be right?” I asked her. I meant it curiously because I also want to honor and respect a viewpoint that includes separation, if that is what my client wants to experience. “I don’t think so,” she said, “but what does that mean?”


We talked about what it could mean to see things from a different perspective. To acknowledge that some behaviors feel warm and inviting and other behaviors feel cold and prickly. We continued to dive deeper, asking questions regarding why her partner was acting passive-aggressively, (he was hungry, my client thought) and what was underneath her partner not feeding himself, (he was caught up in work responsibilities). Through further discussion we agreed that a different perspective could be that my client talks with both of them and helps them to come back together. Maybe not in the moment if people are frustrated or feeling angry. But if both parties could accept and understand their feelings and then come together while they were both calm, perhaps the conversation could look something like this:


Child: I didn’t appreciate how you were talking to us. We did nothing wrong and you were saying mean things. When you say mean things I have a hard time wanting to be around you because it hurts to hear them.


Parent 1: I hear you and want to pay more attention to the way I am speaking and to your feelings. I am in the middle of planning this huge work project and I have not been sleeping well. I didn’t eat anything that day because I was so engrossed in what I was doing. That is not an excuse for my behavior and I am going to work on taking better care of myself so that I can show up as a parent who is more patient and calm.


Parent 2 (Client): What if I help you with accountability? We can both use the HALT method and check in with one another about whether or not we might be feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT). I can ask you if you are okay or simply say “halt” when I am noticing that you are in a negative mood or using passive-aggressive language. How does that sound?


Parent 1: That sounds good. I would appreciate your help while I figure out how to balance this work project and taking care of myself. I am also wondering if [Child] would want to say “halt” when they are noticing the behaviors. Would that be something you want to try?

Child: Maybe. I don’t know if you will be mad if I say that, though.


Parent 1: I understand. I will do my best to shift these behaviors, I just want you to feel like you can continue to say what is on your mind. It is my goal to listen to you when you are feeling sad or frustrated. I don’t want to contribute to your negative experiences.

Child: Thank you. It helps a lot to know that you want to listen and will do something different. I can keep letting you know what I am feeling but if you get too mad, I am going to go to Parent 2 so she can handle it.


Obviously, this is a scripted version of the potential this family has to come together. However, I think it could be realistic if all parties are engaged with emotional regulation and a willingness to look at how their behaviors contribute to the wellbeing of the whole (predominately with modeling by the parents until children are appropriately old enough and able to contribute). Another big important piece of this situation is that when we neglect ourselves or talk poorly to ourselves, it is much more difficult to be kind and care for others.


The best thing we can do for ourselves and our family members is to take care of our own needs. If we show up as a more calm and peaceful contributor, we can find solutions. It feels more inspiring instead of exhausting to find ways to negotiate different ideas or viewpoints. We can use our creative brain space instead of the ego place. Ego will always want to be right and it can be quite easy to lock into a battle of ego with any one we love. If we are not attached to being right or to the way we have always done things, we have room to listen, to consider the person we love, and to grow. Maybe HALT is a good place to start.


I hope this helps. Sending you peace.



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