Sobriety and Me

#sobriety #mentalhealth #healing #wellness #health #freedom

If you are like me, you may be invited to a lot of fun social events that include drinking alcohol. There may be theme parties, parties in which people try new kinds of alcohol, gatherings at modern restaurants or bars that have exciting signature cocktails or special vintage wines. There is an overall sense of fun, excitement and discovery that comes with the novelty of various cocktails and the places that feature them. If that is working for you and you are able to feel your feelings without trying to escape them, this particular post may not be relatable. Or maybe you know someone who struggles with sobriety and you could learn something helpful from my story. I hope so.

This post is about how easily substance use can begin and be maintained. As some one who was born aware and highly sensitive, I tried to take on the problems of the world and wound up feeling too flooded. My expectations about love went unfulfilled and I was very enmeshed in politics, values and justice. The reality of the world broke my heart again and again. I tried to take in the emotions of those around me, desperately wanting to fix their problems and rescue them from their pain. I did not realize by doing this that I was increasing my own. Living this way was exhausting and not sustainable, so eventually I pushed back against all of the feelings and looked for an easy way out. I wanted to feel some solace in a world that felt unfair and my desire was to escape the dense and heavy feelings that no longer felt manageable. I started to realize that I could not save others from pain, could not change other people, systems or the world by myself. Subconsciously moving away from pain and seeking pleasure was the way I survived for a time. I felt powerless as I recognized that my power does not lie in directly affecting anything outside of myself.

For me, escape from feeling started with shopping. I got really into the aesthetics of clothing, shoes, makeup and trends. I felt really good while shopping and was adept at finding "bargains" and unique boutiques so that I could craft an individual style. It became important to me, I justified, because presenting the best version of myself felt great. I loved the feeling of spending money and wearing new items. I didn't really feel anything else. Eventually the long term consequences of using shopping as a coping mechanism caught up with me and my credit card bills became a mess. I vowed to fix the mess and move forward in a more fiscally responsible way. So I moved on with alcohol.

I started small and sort of romantically by buying a Wine Bible and talking with a colleague who fancied himself a vintner-in-training, having lots of opinions about which Spanish Rioja was the best and why. I began to study wine tannins and legs, trying out different kinds of wine by justifying that it was my new hobby. I didn't have a problem with alcohol, I told myself. A lot of people look forward to engaging in their hobbies after work, so thinking about trying a new wine at noon was nothing to worry about.

The social elements of drinking alcohol were also irresistible to me. I thought that I was more entertaining, flexible and open while I was drinking. I found other people who affirmed my thoughts about how fun and enjoyable it is to drink often and enough to get a good buzz. As a responsible adult I was not driving myself home while drinking, which gave me an excuse to have as much as I liked. These days you can drink alcohol while doing anything from ax throwing to bowling to painting, so there were plenty of gatherings where alcohol was present and easily accessible. No one noticed if I had an extra one or two.

I began to question my motives for drinking around the time that partner invited me to see live music and instead of being excited to dance, (dancing is my thing!) I had the thought that I wanted to "keep up" with him. It was a very silly thought as he outweighed me by about 100 lbs. but it was just the reason I needed that evening to keep drinking alcohol. I found myself making up more excuses as to why and how much I was drinking until I began to recognize that I was not coping outside of drinking very well.

During the day I was anxious and stressed. I felt hypervigilant about getting things done on time, about having enough time, about what people thought of me. Since I was refusing to feel my real feelings they began to creep up on me. I tried to push them away with varying results. Running helped me feel as if I was "healthy" for awhile, regardless of the amount of drinking I did. But soon enough I felt like a caged animal who was finally released by 5 PM knowing that I could go home and have a glass of wine. I began to wonder if I was myself while drinking and discovered that I was wearing a protective mask all of the time. The mask was my "perfect self" and I was trying to control not only my feelings, but how people saw me. Drinking kept the mask securely on as I could pretend that everything was fine with each sip.

In 2019 I was diagnosed with an Autoimmune Disease. I will never know if it was in some way related to drinking, anxiety, and the excessive stress I put myself through during that time. I have my suspicions. I continued to drink even after my diagnosis but finally in February of 2021 I got up one day feeling sick of being numb and stressed and anxious and decided that I could allow myself to feel my feelings. Whatever my feelings were, I committed to not judging myself and stopped drinking alcohol that day. The feelings came in waves but over time I learned to manage them. I stopped pushing them down or away and allowed myself to open up to close friends slowly about the things that were bothering me. I learned emotional release techniques and how to set boundaries around my sexuality, finances, emotional and physical needs. I determined what supports were required for healing and went to therapy. I began to slow down, stopped trying to rescue every one else, and started to take good care of my mind, body and spirit. It was not an easy journey but I can say that it was well worth it. As I write this, I am keenly aware of the freedom I feel in knowing that I can handle my emotions, I can create peace inside of myself, and I am able to set boundaries that help me feel safe and comfortable. I love myself more and am happier than I ever was when I was drinking alcohol. I get to experience the freedom that comes from allowing my feelings to speak to me and to act out of loving feelings instead of fearful ones.

It is not always easy to remain sober but it is true that it works when you focus on today. Now when I am asked to go to social events, I think about it. I think about my triggers and my capacity to be around alcohol. I think through the environment the event will take place in and how that might affect my sobriety. I think about how strong my willpower feels today and about ways in which I could potentially leave early if tempted to drink. I often leave evening events early now. "Nothing good happens after 9 o'clock" is one of my favorite author/podcaster Glennon Doyle quotes. I also consider how much discussion about world events, religious or political debating will occur at social events, as it is a trigger for me to want to fix or rescue a room in conflict, tempting me to drink. Not everyone will understand when I decide to turn down social events and that is okay. I learned that the people who love me will respect my boundaries around drinking. They will understand that sobriety is important to me because I feel better, calmer and more loving more as a sober person. It also means that my relationships are more authentic and I am able to be my true self. And that is everything.

I hope this helps.

Talk with Ren