Let's Talk About Skills: Understanding and Regulating Emotions

Emotional regulation is your ability to identify and manage the range of emotions that occur within you in any given circumstance. Identifying emotions means that you are open to being aware of the sensations and movement in your body (e-motion or energy in motion) and can name your feelings. Managing your emotions requires you to be flexible and open to observing what you are feeling and to develop the skills you need to allow, process and release them.

The more you practice, the more you will know how to take care of your feelings in any situation. Did you know that the average amount of time it takes to experience anger is 90 seconds? That is true, unless we cling to our emotions and continue the cycle of feeling it, (i.e. continue to focus on angry thoughts, push the sensation down or escape the feeling, etc.) The skill of managing your emotions includes the understanding that it is always okay to have your feelings (feelings are information for us to consider, not “good” or “bad”) and that you will be okay experiencing them.

Your feelings matter because your body is wise and can tell you things that your brain might try to protect you from. Your brain is really good at protecting you and sometimes gets confused about your feelings being “too much” or it may overly identify with a feeling.

For example, we may internalize the thought I am sad, instead of I am feeling sad. Your brain may identify so much with the feeling that it forgets that there are many parts to you and how you feel is one part. Sometimes our brains make subconscious conclusions about what it means to feel something. You may conclude that you feel sad and so your whole life is terrible. It is helpful to get information from your body so you can make choices that line up with what is important to you and what is appropriate for you. If I start to cry, I allow it. Maybe I will listen to some music that helps me feel better. Later, I might want to examine if I am feeling nervous, embarrassed, angry, or sad. That information can better inform me about what resources or support I might need.

Most people can identify six emotions: fear, anger, joy, sadness, disgust and surprise. You can always begin there and you can increase your knowledge by using emotions charts such as the one Dr Marc Brackett, author of the excellent book, Permission to Feel, created here. Notice in the chart that some emotions are high energy, some are low energy. Some emotions are highly pleasant and some are low on pleasant sensations. Emotions are related to one another on this scale to help you identify nuances in sensation and energy level. Identifying and labeling your emotions can immediately reduce your anxiety about feeling something. If we can name it, it is less scary to feel it and then we can get curious about what it is telling us.

There are general and specific meanings for each emotion but let's talk about the things that some common emotions have in common:

ANGER most often means that you are perceiving an injustice. There is a part of you that feels as if you are not being treated well. Check in with your boundaries. Have you or some one else stepped over them?

STRESS can indicate that you might be trying to take on or do too much. Maybe you are also thinking too far into the future. Slow down and prioritize tasks. Then break that task into steps. You can slow down, it will be okay to take a little more time to breathe and process what needs doing and what can wait.

SADNESS can tell us that we perceive a loss. We may need comfort and an emotional release. Tears are helpful and it’s okay to let them flow. What else might feel comforting now? Sometimes I need a hug when I feel sad.

EMPTINESS or BOREDOM often means that we are seeking stimulation. Perhaps you have not used your creativity in a while. Think about what creative outlet sounds good to try. What are some things you have always wanted to learn but didn't have the space or the energy to do so? Or try something that someone you care about enjoys just to see how it feels.

FEAR might mean that you care about something a lot. You may care so much that you want it to go a certain way. Maybe you do not know what to expect. Perhaps the uncertainty is bothering you or making you feel as if you are in danger. Is your fear realistic? What do you need in order to feel safe?

GUILT is the feeling you have when you think you have done something wrong. SHAME is the feeling that there is something wrong with you. Ask yourself if you did do something wrong and/or if it was your intention to do so. If you did something wrong, how can you amend or repair it? If you did not do something wrong, allow yourself to understand what the guilt is about. Are your expectations of yourself realistic? Are you giving yourself room to learn and to grow or do you think you need to get it right the first time? Give yourself a break and reset by doing something you enjoy. Shame often comes from childhood where our feelings and needs were not always validated by trusted adults. Give yourself compassion. Be the adult you needed then or the friend you need now for yourself. Be gentle. Practice saying something like, “I am here with you. I won’t leave you. We will figure this out together. This feeling is temporary. Let’s find out what you need.” Breathe through the feeling and let it go, knowing you have support and can ask for help.

REGRET is the feeling that we chose the “wrong” or "painful" path. We wonder what would have happened if we chose something else, but we cannot go back in time and change the decision. So our brain imagines that had we chose the other direction, there would not have been the pain we are currently feeling. It is delusion and imagination and there is no way to know what kind of pain might have come from the other decision. The thing to do is to remind yourself that pain is inevitable at times in this life. But you don't have to suffer. And regret brings suffering. Ask yourself why you are in pain over this decision. Or get support from some one you trust. Look for the lesson. What can you learn from this experience? Then learn to let it go.

LONELINESS is the feeling that you are separate or left out. You are craving connection, either with yourself or others. Check how often you are on your phone and catch yourself if you are getting caught up in the lives of other people online. Seek connection with yourself, (away from screens) or some one you trust (away from screens.) Volunteer or start a hobby. Get out into your community and attend events that sound intriguing to you. Open up to a friend and listen to them as they open up to you. Connection is the key.

RESENTMENT is the feeling that some one is taking advantage of you or is not holding up their end of the relationship. You may feel the relationship is out of balance and that a person/people are not doing their share. Step back and look at the situation from the point of view of the other person/people. Do they know you feel this way? It might be time to calmly construct some language that uses feeling words to describe why the situation does not feel in balance. "I feel as if I am doing all of the work here and I would like to hear what it is like for you. Can we talk about possible solutions?" People do not know what we do not tell them and we can have a conversation that does not place blame or cause conflict.

ANXIETY might mean that you are not emotionally regulated or are unable to observe yourself properly. Anxiety often occurs when we try to control something outside of ourselves. We are not able to control other people, situations or outcomes. Fortunately, you have control over yourself and can build the skills to manage the mental processes and sensations related to anxiety. Start with breathing and intentionally slowing yourself down. Then ground yourself to come back to a sense of inner balance. Remember that you are good at solving problems. You can brainstorm possibilities or ask for help. What action can you take so you feel better?

What To Do With Emotions?

The first step is to breathe deeply and remember that whatever you are feeling is okay. You are not your emotion, you are having an emotion. “I FEEL sad, not I AM sad.” The feeling is temporary and your body’s desire to communicate about something you might need to know. If you are unable to breathe through a sensation and find a place of calm where you can be curious about what the emotion is trying to tell you, that is okay. Try using a grounding technique first. Grounding skills are helpful for disengaging your protective brain (fears) and helping you to return to the present moment so you can be curious. You are the Scientist and the experiment and can figure out what is going on.

Grounding Techniques:

The 5,4,3,2,1 Technique: What are 5 things you can see in the room? Look for small details such as the ceiling pattern or things you have never noticed before What are 4 things you can physically feel? Notice how your clothing feels on your body or your body on the seat below you. Pick up an object and feel it. Is it cold? Warm? Sharp? Soft? What are 3 things you can hear? What are the subtle sounds in the room around you? Can you hear your breath? Cars outside? A dog barking? What are 2 things you can smell? If you are unable to smell anything right now, what are 2 smells you really enjoy? What is 1 thing you can taste? If you are unable to taste anything right now, what is one taste you love?

The Naming Technique: Name as many of the following categories as you can: Cars; Food; Hobbies; Fabrics; Sports; States; TV Shows; Celebrities; Singers; Cities; Fruits; Vegetables; Books; Animals; Holidays; Snacks; Colors; Movie Genres or Titles; Places to Vacation; Types of Jobs.

Change Your Temperature: Consider placing your hands in warm water for 30 seconds. Then switch to cold water. Then try warm again. You may opt to take a warm bath with Epsom salt or essential oil and then splash cold water on your face. Drink cold water and dip in a hot tub or take a sauna. Try a cold plunge bath for 30 seconds. Change up the temperature in whatever way feels appropriate, moving into the sensation of the other temperature slowly and using deep belly breathing. Another thing you can do is hold a piece of ice and feel it slowly melt in your hands. Follow that by rubbing your hands together to feel a warm sensation.

Savor Food or Drink: Spend time slowly drinking a cup of tea or take small bites of your favorite food. Allow yourself to feel the texture, the sensations and the enjoyment of the flavors. Name any specific ingredients you can identify. Ask if the food/drink is warm or cold, crunchy or gooey. Deeply inhale the food or drink and allow yourself to anticipate the bite or sip. Allow yourself to feel and to enjoy it.

Take a Mindful Walk: Mindful walks are different from other types of walks as you can notice colors, textures, sounds and impressions. Choose a focus, such as “I will notice all of the birds and animals as I walk.” Seek them out, be playful, remember what it felt like as a child to stare up at a singing bird or watch a silly squirrel darting up and down tree branches. Alternatively you can look for a color or feel the ground below your feet as you take slow steps using your heel, then your toe. Heel, toe, heel toe. Think a peaceful thought such as “isn’t it nice to walk outside?”

Practice Gratitude: Counting all of the things that are going well is helpful as we often forget when we are feeling low. Thinking of 3 things you are grateful for in the morning and the evening can set up your brain to continue to look for what is positive instead of reverting to what you do not have or what is not going well.

Smell Something(s): Candles, essential oils, perfumes, herbs, spices, coffee, teas, and flowering plants can all have complex aromas. Allow yourself the time to smell them deeply and ask yourself if there are other smells present. What else can you smell besides the initial whiff? Why do you enjoy this smell? Does it remind you of someone or something?

Move Your Body: Moving your body is essential for the release of emotional energy, particularly for high intensity emotions such as anger. What kind of movement sounds good to try? Options include slow stretching or yoga on a mat where your body can get close to the ground. Grounding often occurs by laying down on the earth or the floor. Lifting weights can feel good due to the sensation of metal and pressure. Dancing is fun and can incorporate your favorite music. You can dance in silly ways, fun ways, fast ways or slow ways depending on what feels good to your body at the moment. Running, walking or biking outside can help you spur on your adventurous spirit. You could practice shooting a basketball or kicking a soccer ball. Listen to your body and engage in the movements. Pay attention to where your arms and legs move. Feel your core light up and engage. Or simply play! Wiggle, jiggle, spin, twist, shake, jump. Run around, explore, feel freedom in your abilities.

Breathwork: Try active breathing methods like the Wim Hof Method of breathing, Breath of Fire breathing, Shamanic Breath or Alkaline Breathing. Pranayama is yogic breathing and has many great tools for moving out emotions. The Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping also incorporates breathing while tapping certain points on the body most often used for acupuncture. You can find great videos for all of these techniques online.

Laugh: Laughter is grounding and elevates your mood. Watch a funny video, find a silly meme or reel or look up jokes online. Find a comedian you like and watch or re watch a few minutes of their set. What is your favorite movie? Skip to your favorite scene and imitate the action. Enjoy the feeling of laughter and watch how it shifts your mood.

Verbal Anchoring and Describing: You can remind yourself who you are and where you are. Try narrating using a phrase about yourself and the room around you. Ex: “My name is X, I am Y years old and I live in Z. I am currently in my home, this is my bedroom and the walls are ivory. My carpet is also ivory and thick with flecks of gold in it. On my wall is a mirror with a silver frame. I see my computer right next to it. I smell my lavender candle. I am noticing that I feel thirsty so I am going to get a drink of water. I will leave the room and walk downstairs to the kitchen…”

Picture Someone You Love: Visualize one of your favorite people. What do you love about this person? Recall something about them that makes you feel calm. Imagine them telling you that you are going to be okay. Allow yourself to visualize hugging them. Smile and relax.

Visit Animals or Pet Your Favorite Animal Friend: Animals allow us to feel a kind of peace that is not verbal and they offer us unconditional love. It can be comforting to experience the loving gestures and bids for attention, to know that you are accepted just as you are. Lean into the love you are feeling. Accept and return the love.

Pick Up An Object and Describe It: What does the object feel like, sound like? Is it cool or hot? Hard or soft? Does it have some shine? What color is it? Why do you have it? Why do you like it?

Other skills/resources to help: Call a friend or a family member. Journal or information dump, which means to write for 3 minutes and get your thoughts out of your head to get a new perspective. Try Meditation or Guided meditations on free apps or YouTube. Listen to sound baths, tuning forks, healing music, or Solfeggio frequencies. Try a visualization in which you create a secret happy place. Take care of an easy to manage plant such as a spider plant. Try taking a bath with essential oils and your favorite music. Write a list of things you like about yourself. Make a list of reasons why you enjoy life.

I hope this helps.

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