My Graduation from Shame

Hello, Shame. You have been my companion for so long that I forgot that we can separate. I wore you tightly every day, like armor or a second skin.

I don't remember exactly when I first met you, but I know that when I sat on the pew bench, my feet dangled above the floor. I waited on the bench to be called into the large wooden boxed room of confession. I sat in anticipation with a leaden weight in my belly and racked my small brain to think of what my sins were for the week. I would say things like, "I chewed gum in class when I knew I shouldn't," and "I yelled at my baby brother for drooling on my favorite pony."

I learned to be obedient. Quiet. Acceptable to authority. I learned to give my power away through the weeks of these confessional meetings. In the beginning, I thought to myself, "I am a kid. I am not sinning." But as time went on, I began to wonder if they were right. Was I bad?

I began to look for evidence outside of myself. I didn't know what else to do. So I began to scan rooms for looks of approval or disapproval. I studied my parents' voices, tone, language, when did they spank me, what was I doing? My parents especially struck me as smart people, so if they were mad at me, and I need to confess my sins each week, maybe I am bad, after all.

Somewhere during that time, Shame, you showed up. I gave up and let you take over. I began to let you tell me who I am. I let you take care of that small part of me who made the decision that other people knew better than I did. I allowed you to tell me that to stay safe, I had to obey authority, scan rooms for safety, be quiet, shrink myself down. I stopped trusting myself and let you run my thoughts, feelings and relationships. I forgot that the authority on me is me, and that it is okay to love myself, even when I make mistakes.

All I really needed was to remember who I am, to remember that I am always connected to the Source of All. If I am here right now, it is for a reason and maybe it isn't to be punished, or to suffer. Maybe I can reclaim my power and my own authority by looking at you deeply, and understanding what happened when we were that sensitive child who wanted to be "good" and for everyone to be happy.

And I want to say with gentleness that the way we have been doing it has not led to our happiness. The way we have been living has been too harsh, too fast, too judgmental, and too disempowering for happiness to have a chance to be seeded and to grow. And I have learned that what is most important for me is growth that doesn't feel like suffering. It is a peaceful and gentle kind of growth that I am ready to learn now.

So I say to you now, Shame, that I will sit and hold you in my love. I will tell you that I was never bad, that you always tried your best to protect me, and that the days of you running my life are over. I no longer need shame to hide me or my thoughts, feelings or my truth. I spent a lot of time self healing and I trust myself now. I am asking you to step down and allow me to lead. Your job here is complete. I see now that this is not a rejection of you, but a graduation from the role you once held.

Thank you, Shame, for trying to protect me. I am safe enough now to let you go.

Love, Ren