"I am still every age I have ever been. Because I was once a child, I am always a child," Madeleine L'Engle said. This feels true to me. I can access past versions of myself and discern in a moment whether I am going to allow that part to operate. For example, my inner teenager is a rebel who wants to challenge the status quo and comes out when I sense injustice. Some younger versions of myself come out when I feel awe walking in nature, or when I am silly with my family.
When I was meditating this morning I became aware of the sensation of fear in my chest. In my mind's eye, I could see a small version of myself, at about age 5. This version appeared as if in black and white, and was crying. I decided to follow my imagination and ask this version of me why she felt scared. She whispered, "I don't want any one to see me because it's not safe." I stayed with her, holding her in my imagination. I thought back to my childhood and to that age and located a memory that needed some attention. I was asked by my mother to call my father to dinner. He was incredibly unpredictable and I never knew if he was going to answer calmly, with a smile or with anger, yelling or frustration. From that point on, I argued with my mother about calling him to dinner. I did it sometimes, and it usually went poorly, to the point at which I became the focus of his anger. Something in my child brain began to equate staying small and hidden with safety. As I continue to navigate changes in my life and become visible as a business owner, that wounded part of me came up to be seen, acknowledged and healed. I talked to this version of myself and then did some journaling. I took some deep breaths and set the intention to let go of the fear of being seen.
On a practical level, this kind of work isn't needed all of the time but I notice patterns around it for me and for my clients. Here are some things I have learned about inner child healing:
1.) Inner child healing is often needed when we feel triggered in our current life by something that happened in the past. This event stays in our subconscious mind until we feel able to or need to address it based on our life circumstances.
2.) Change, life transitions and/or moving into the unknown in some way can trigger these past parts of ourselves that clung to security, safety, and the known.
3.) The activating event does not need to be traumatic on a global scale. Our child brains took in messages in the only way they knew how, without fully-formed pre-frontal cortexes to help process moment to moment interaction, to emotionally regulate and to understand context. Sometimes the events are as simple as a caregiver telling us not to cry or not showing up for us when we needed help.
4.) You can access this kind of event on your own or with guidance. Sitting in meditation or listening to music that encourages an alpha brain state and journaling about events in your young life can bring what needs healing into your awareness.
5.) Healing your inner child may look like reparenting yourself, or telling yourself the things you needed to hear from a loving caregiver at a certain age. This requires you to shift a critical or judgmental voice in your head, which can take time, but with some effort, the voice in your head can be a supportive and positive one. Reparenting yourself will also include you to care for yourself a bit extra. Acknowledge your pain, feel it, release it. Give yourself something to ease your senses: take a walk in nature, smell your favorite scents, take a bath with Epsom salt. Allow yourself to be loved by you.
6.) This work can also look like reclaiming moments from your childhood. I was not allowed to have pets as a child, this was a particular point of pain for me because I didn't feel included at school. When I was able, I got myself my dream cat and dog. When I play and snuggle with them, I feel this inexplicable joy that could only come from allowing my childhood self to have her most treasured desire. Maybe you had a dream you can make real now.
7.) Inner child healing almost always requires forgiveness. Sometimes it calls for us to forgive our caretakers for just surviving, for not knowing better, for being unable to parent with love and compassion. We may also need to forgive ourselves for the way we spoke or acted out when we didn't get what we needed. This is all a normal part of the process and will fortunately allow you to release anger, which will allow you to embrace love.
Through healing the old parts of our younger versions, we become more of who we truly are: compassionate, grateful, kind, thoughtful, flexible, adaptable and creative. We can recover our healthy and healed inner children and allow them to play. When we allow ourselves to play as adults, we become more innovative, creative and connected. Our relationships are more harmonious and life is more satisfying.
So how is your inner child? Maybe take them out and play awhile.

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