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10 Things About Boundaries

Writer's picture: Ren Ren

Updated: Oct 22, 2024


I want to write about boundaries because I think they are so misunderstood. Many of my clients struggle to identify, maintain and embrace their boundaries and as a result, their feelings of self worth are lower and guilt-associated emotions are higher. Here are 10 things I know about boundaries. I hope that they may help you.


1.) Boundaries are about self love. Many people shy away from self love because they have an idea that in order to be a "good" person, we must sacrifice our time, money and energy. Self love is often equated with selfishness in the beliefs of many of my clients, and we work on reframing their ideas of self love.


Self love, to me, is choosing the things that are healthy, kind and compassionate for myself. It is the knowing that I could talk to myself poorly as I have in the past, but I choose to take action and soften that voice. It is about choosing thoughts that feel expansive instead of restrictive.


Instead of following the thought, "I can't try new things because I feel too anxious," I place that thought in the 'discard' pile. I can decide to try a thought like, "I'm curious to try this new thing and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, at least I will know more about it."


Finally, self love boundaries to me align my behavior with my values. I could do the thing that feels good in the moment, or I could feel into what is the best choice for my wellbeing and do that.


2.) Many of us were never taught to understand, have or preserve boundaries regarding mental, emotional, sexual, physical or financial wellbeing. I was taught a lot of great things as a child, but my boundaries were unknown to me. As a child when I felt sad or scared, I was often met with a logical and avoidant response, "there is nothing to fear/be sad about." I learned to disregard my emotional boundaries.


Similarly, growing up in a society where power and hierarchy are reserved for the few at the top of the pyramid, I learned that forgoing my own needs through sacrifice could get me "ahead" so I could be "successful." I define success differently now, but I remember feeling as if disregarding my own needs was often helpful in both work and personal relationships. If you are doing that, you may likely be crossing your own boundaries, which is a form of self sabotage.


3.) How do you know if you need to pay attention to your boundaries? You may feel resentful of your sacrifices in your relationship. You may wonder if people are chronically taking advantage of you. You may say yes to things when you mean no and then feel ill, frustrated or irritated about the thing you committed to doing. You may worry so much about how others will feel or respond to you that you run yourself ragged trying to please every one around you. It comes at your own expense and you feel exhausted. You may feel as if there is not a strong reciprocal connection in your relationships but fear of rejection or abandonment keeps you coming back time and again.


4.) You can learn about your boundaries. It's never too late. The first step to doing this is to commit to being aware. Look at your life with curiosity. Commit to not judging yourself but to stepping back and observing yourself in situations by yourself and with other people.


Ask questions like: When do I feel resentful or small? What is going on around me and who am I with? Do I say yes out of obligation? Do I want to please others instead of listening to what I need? Are there areas of my life where I consistently feel taken advantage of? Am I exhausted in certain situations or around the same people? Which ones? Why?


Take a few days to log the data on physical mental emotional sexual and financial spaces in your life and see what you find.


5.) Boundaries do not require explanation. Read that again because most people have a difficult time with this. We want to provide thorough explanation or may feel as if we must come up with an "acceptable excuse" as to why we don't want to do something. That is a lie we tell ourselves. Often we appear stronger and more confident if we keep our communication simple.


Try phrases like, "Thank you for thinking of me. I am unable to make it but I hope that you have a great time." Another phrase I like for task-related asks is, "I am unable to commit to that right now. I appreciate your confidence in my skills and abilities." You can also buy yourself time if you are not sure if you would like to do the thing you are asked to do. An easy phrase I use often is, "Can I think about that and get back to you when I know what feels workable?"


6.) People may push back on your boundaries but that doesn't mean you should give in. Your boundaries communicate your needs. In a world where everyone practiced maintaining healthy boundaries, the reaction of friends, families and supervisors would be something like, "Thank you for trusting me with your needs. I am ready and willing to uphold these boundaries for you so that you feel safe and comfortable."


Unfortunately, that has not always been the reaction I find when setting my boundaries and that is okay. I have decided to remember that other people are allowed to have their own reactions. If you are like me, you didn't have boundaries in your relationships to begin with, so no one was ready for them. The people who love you will get used to the boundaries that you set and your relationships will feel more authentic and honest as a result. Maybe you will even inspire other people to think about their needs.


7.) Observe and reflect upon the people in your life that push back on your boundaries. Particularly if this person is new, please consider that boundary-pushing can be a red flag or a warning that some one will always seek power over you or will seek control in the relationship. I see this in dating often when people are "so sweet" at first that the relationship progresses quickly, only to have one partner begin to be "jealous" about things the other partner wants or needs. This behavior can quickly escalate into abuse and it is much better to recognize early if there are new people pushing you to do things you know don't feel right in your own heart, mind or body.


If this is not a new relationship, you may still wish to consider whether or not this is a relationship worth preserving the way it was . It is unfortunate, but we may have trained people to push our boundaries over by not speaking them and they may be unwilling to take steps to shift the dynamic in the relationship. It will then be up to you how much contact you are willing to maintain.


8.) 'No' is a full sentence. If you find people who continually push your boundaries and will not allow you to say no politely, try to say it firmly. You are important and others can learn to respect you and your boundary. Similarly, you can change your mind about anything at any time. If something did feel safe before and now it doesn’t you get to say that. You get to put a new boundary in place at any time. There is no need for someone to try and convince, persuade or cajole you into doing something you don't want to do. Period.


9.) There are many reasons to hold and maintain boundaries but one of the best I have found is that we teach people how to love us. Ask yourself what you want to experience in your relationships? Is it struggle, strife, disempowerment? Or is it more love, connection and understanding? If it is the latter, boundaries can do that for you and the relationships that you are building. You can feel safe and respected in all of your relationships by thinking about what you need, verbalizing that need with simplicity, and taking action to reinforce it.


10.) A summary of boundaries in 4 steps:


1. Become aware of yourself, your needs, your reactions. If you are feeling resentful, exhausted or overwhelmed by the same people and situations something isn't right. Figure out what you need.

2.) Verbalize your needs simply and efficiently. If you get a "why not?" response, keep it light and firm: "it isn't feasible for me." And be done.

3.) Uphold your boundaries. Say no, don't argue but feel free to leave the conversation. If conversations get heated you can easily say something like, "I prefer to talk with you about this when we are both calm" and you can leave the situation.

4.) Consider setting aside relationships in which the other person chronically pushes you to abandon your boundaries.


What would you add to this list?








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