Mindful Communication: How to Develop and Bring Calm Presence to Challenging Conversations
Updated: 21 hours ago
I was recently asked to think about creating a workshop on how to have difficult conversations, which got me thinking about the many I have had over the years. When I think of "difficult" conversations, some things come up for me. What made these conversations feel difficult were often things like: I was not centered or grounded, the other person was not centered or grounded, one or both people had expectations and the goal of wanting to 'win,' someone felt defensive and became stuck guarding their perspective. Maybe it felt challenging for us to see the other person's needs or humanity. We may forget to consider that differences in perspective or upbringing are valid, or we might make general assumptions about the other person without bringing curiosity. The most difficult conversations I have had felt one-sided, as if I were working too hard or trying too much to accommodate a person who didn't want understanding because they had a basic need they were trying to solve. The problem was that I didn’t recognize that needs were the obstacle to finding solutions within the conversation. I now recognize that seeking to understand your own and your communication partner’s perspective and needs will change the quality and depth of the conversation completely.
After experiencing the repeated sensation of trying to speak with a brick wall in some of my conversations, I realized that what I could do was work on myself. I noticed that I could feel calm in certain situations, but not in others. I remembered feeling disconnected from my body and logical mind in the conversations I will label “most difficult.” Sitting in personal reflection, I started to connect the dots that my personal expectations, and often rigidity, were directly related to things I felt I needed from the conversation, like specific outcomes. I wasn't able to collaborate in those instances, and communication became a competition to soothe my unmet needs.
This led me on a path of taking better care of myself. I started slowly, by promising myself I would build the habit of drinking more water. I did that until I felt the habit stuck. Next I decided to move my body more, and to do it in ways that felt valuable, helpful, and in the time frame I had to give to it. From there I continued to build habits that would support my own needs. I came to the conclusion that as an empathic person, I was absorbing too much of other people's energy. I was also overthinking, over giving, and not allowing myself space to be. I started to look at how I was managing my time, and made small adjustments. I began to implement morning, afternoon and evening check ins with myself where I focused specifically on my needs in the moment. I would take some deep breaths, engage in a grounding practice, take a short walk, write out my thoughts so I could view them more objectively. These small moments with myself helped me to feel more connected and peaceful. I was building nervous system calm so that I could feel more calm. The result was my enhanced presence, an awareness that was grounded instead of protective of my needs. I could now sit with people in conversation and notice myself, what I was feeling and needed, and also be curious about them, and ask questions that brought us more connection.
My check in process led to a desire seek out mindful techniques because I wanted to continue building presence. I enjoyed enhancing my sensory experience and began to pay more attention to natural beauty, the smell of the pine trees in my favorite land preserve, or the smoky goodness of my jasmine incense. I began sitting meditation just because it felt good, learning from a teacher how to use blankets and pillows to prop up my knees and feet so I could be comfortable. I often sit in stillness in the morning so I can start my day peacefully, just being and not doing, taking time to be with me.
I also started studying EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and somatic wisdom, or the wisdom of the body, to identify where in my body I was feeling drained, what emotions I was experiencing, and what I needed in order to feel safe to feel and release that emotion. A wonderful book to support emotional vocabulary and let yourself feel emotions is Dr. Marc Brackett's book, Permission to Feel. I recognized that I had been pushing down my own emotions for years in favor of attending to the emotions of other people. This book helped me to understand the critical process of attending to and feeling my own emotions. I started to build practices to help release all of the denser or heavier feelings. For anger, I chose powerful physical movement. Sadness required crying, Kleenex, water, and small comforts. Frustration required a change of environment or activity, to get out of the current mindset and gain a new perspective. I was surprised and excited to see that emotional self discovery made it easier for me to listen to and assist others with their needs. Because I was aware of my emotions, felt nurtured and resourced, I was better able to offer support for others, without draining my energy.
Another life-changing book for me during the time I was working to build a calm presence included The Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh's, “You are Here." Hanh, or Thay, as he is called, presented the concept of Gathas, or intention poems, and the simplicity of them became internal affirmations when I wanted to build peace in my mind and my heart.
One of my favorites from this book is the following:
"Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.
In, out
Deep, slow
Calm, ease
Smile, release"
It was so simple and easy for my mind to remember that I could easily recite it before having a stressful conversation. The intention of it, the energy of calm and ease seemed to prime my mind and energy to release old conversation patterns and step into a more grounded presence. I would sometimes play with the phrases in meditation, thinking about smiling to myself, to my life, to the things that are good. Then I could learn to smile at the things my mind had labeled as not-so good, shifting that thinking towards a knowing that discovering my feelings and listening to my body could be very helpful information as I navigated connections and challenging conversations.
I still found myself dipping into old communication habits now and then, where I would drop everything for someone in need, offer advice that was unsolicited, or spend time trying to persuade other people that my perspective was correct. Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace became the next addition to my tool kit. I learned to practice neutral phrases in my conversations, such as, “what do you think you can do to help yourself with this situation?” I stopped taking so much ownership of what wasn’t my work, and continued to practice calm presence and curiosity over judgment and expectations. My conversations continued to improve in quality and I had more free time because I was worrying about them less. I felt more confident in my skills and ability to navigate them.
It felt much better to sit with someone in this sort of easeful presence. I noticed that I could listen without trying to respond. I could ask more curious questions because my mind was relaxed and my creative brain was able to fire. I recognized that I could feel empathy without needing to agree with my communication partner. I was able to consider what life was like for the other person, which helped them to feel heard. When someone feels heard, they also feel calm, because it means so much to us to have someone really listen. I listened deeply to what they were saying to me, and my heart felt connected to how true their words were. It didn't have to feel true for me, I realized. I could accept their reality as theirs, and as a valid perspective. That allowed me to relax into our differences, affirming each person’s ideas, and to seek the points of connection. Where did we agree? What were the common denominators that could create a third energy, not mine, not yours, but ours. This third energy was everything and helped us both feel buy in, authentic connection, and create a plan that was not fully satisfying to just one person, but that met the needs of both parties. Knowing that I could create this kind of harmonious conversation energy shifted my conversations completely. I found myself looking forward to understanding other people and working together to find solutions when challenges came up.
Some Tips on Having Difficult Conversations:
Prepare yourself first. What helps you get into a calm, centered place of feeling connected to your own deep wisdom and presence? If you do not know, I highly recommend trying: grounding practices, like spending time in nature or with animal companions; using visualization tools such as picturing roots coming down from your feet; practicing mindful movements like Qigong where you can feel your body move like water; EFT Tapping to connect intentions from your mind to your body; breath work to build in a pause between receiving and responding; and other types of creative expression, mindfulness, or energy work. Once you understand what helps you get to your center or your place of neutral wisdom, you have already done half of the work of this conversation.
Set the intention to speak and listen with curiosity and care. I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with people where one or both of us were very surprised by the other person's understanding or interpretation of the same situation, problem, or issue. Simply sitting with the intention, "I open to this conversation with curiosity and care for myself and this person," can help immensely. Practicing listening without responding is part of the care you are showing for that person. You can then ask for that care from others.
Choose a modality, time and a place where you have the best opportunity to connect. If you prefer to talk in person, what feels like neutral territory? Where could you hear one another without having to compete with noise or distractions? Can you put away electronics and breathe before the conversation? Skip the caffeine for now, if it makes you feel anxious or hyper? Would a phone call work better and if so, why? Ensure that you both have at least a half hour of space where you can calmly focus on what needs to be said and received.
A high conversational priority in my experience is to have questions ready for your partner. What might you like to know about them? What is life like for them right now? If you don’t know, you can ask. What other kinds of questions would help you to better understand the other person’s experience and needs? Honestly, even starting with, "I've been concerned about X fact that is currently happening and I wonder how you feel about it? What is X fact like for you?” Questions like these will help us to be able to respond with empathy and appropriate solutions, instead of making assumptions.
Listen to your communication partner with an open heart, if you can. How would you like to be approached? What words or phrases help you to feel heard and seen? Practice using those with others so you can genuinely reflect back your understanding of their experience. Try not to worry if you don't get it right initially, just commit to asking more questions and trying reflection again. Once you have reflected your partner's experience back to their satisfaction, pause. Ask for a moment to think, or say something like, “Thank you for sharing. Can I have a moment to process what you said?” Take a few breaths and internally ask yourself what you need next. Are you ready to respond? Do you need more time to think about what they said? Let the other person know what you need and agree upon a time to connect again if that feels right.
Have your own talking points ready. What are the informational factors you want to convey? Practice using language that is clear and simple, and say what you mean. Ask to speak about each point until you feel finished and then allow the other person time to respond. The other person also may not be able to respond to everything quickly, so you can elect to give them the option to think about it and respond by the certain agreed upon date/time. Not every conversation is meant to bring immediate resolution. Many conversations are about building trust and finding mutual understanding.
Create a plan together. This might be an actionable next step, or a time to reconvene. Let your partner know your deadlines for settling a resolution. State plainly and with compassion what will happen if you do not hear back from them, or if they do not follow through. Ask them how they feel about the potential consequences and if there are any barriers to completing things on their end. Continue to listen, reflect, and respond until both people feel heard and understand the next step. That really is the best you can do.
Then you let go. The conversation is over. What did you learn? What might you do differently next time? Allow yourself a little bit of breathing space to take care of what you need for processing and the integration of the communication experience before rushing into the next thing on your list. It’s okay to normalize transitions, and to understand that challenging conversations bring forth the kind of effort that needs a reciprocal balancing, or, rest.
Have you tried this type of communication strategy with a coworker, client, mentee, or student of some kind? How did it go for you?
I hope this helps. Sending you grounding, peace and clarity, Ren
Comments