One of the things I help with the most is to encourage people to voice needs their relationships. I wonder if many people avoid asking for things in their relationships because they have not learned the necessary communication skills to approach needs, values and differences in opinion. Many of my clients are afraid of conflict and fear rejection or abandonment.
Conflict when done with kindness and transparency can foster connection. We learn to negotiate connection by speaking our true feelings and needs in a way that is diplomatic within our relationships. Allowing ourselves to be truly seen and acknowledging that having needs does not mean we are needy (we all need support and connection!) will help to keep our relationships authentic.
In a previous version of myself, I rarely voiced my needs and found myself running around trying to please or take care of every one around me. I gave up the things I wanted to do and instead leaned into sacrifice. I spent hours doing things I did not want to do, nor had the energy to do because some one else needed help or wanted a companion. Eventually I expected every one else to drop what they were doing for me and was quite disappointed. People were not able to predict my needs as I had assumed, no matter how long we knew one another. Because I refused to speak them and my friends could not read my mind, I burned myself out of many relationships. Fortunately I took time to reflect and learned that the root of the issue was that I was not voicing my own desires and was placing responsibility for my needs on others.
I decided that it was time to come into my relationships as a more authentic version of myself. I said, “no thank you” or “Thank you for asking, but I don’t think that’s for me” when invited to places or to do things I was not interested in. I set limits when meeting with people: “I have an hour, let’s grab some tea,” I would say. This gave me the time to do what I needed for myself. Quickly I learned that asking for small things was helpful and that the people around me often obliged. Instead of assuming that my partner could see that I was tired and that there was a sink of dishes I didn’t have the energy to do and then getting angry when he didn’t do them, I asked. I said, “Hey, I am feeling really tired. Would you mind doing the dishes?” He almost always said yes. When he didn’t say yes to my simple requests, we developed a negotiation style in which we would talk about our feelings and needs and come to a compromise. We often do the dishes together and chat about our days.
Voicing Your Needs in Relationships:
Ask yourself:
Am I voicing my needs with small things such as telling people that I do not want to go out when I have something to do for me or do not have the energy?
Am I voicing my needs with larger things, such as asking for support when I am struggling with stress or overwhelm?
Do I say yes when I mean no?
Am I trying to keep the peace at the expense of my needs or my truth?
Do I assume that others will read my mind and find myself to be disappointed, sad or angry?
Do I have the communication skills to ask for things or to let people know how I am feeling?
Use Your Skills:
If you start a sentence with “I feel” and use feeling words such as “sad, lonely, lost, or left out” you can usually find the rest of the sentence. People are more responsive when we take ownership for our feelings (no one makes us feel and feelings are helpful bits of information if we allow them) and voice our needs while being able to listen to their perspective, too.
If you find yourself unable to listen to the perspectives of people you care about, ask yourself why. It is okay for people to disagree, to have an alternative view, to hold something in a different context. Sometimes I think we can hold on to our version of the story or we can have relationships. Relationships are a negotiation of our and another person's beliefs, needs, values, experiences and current focus.
Practice listening to yourself and your relationship partner without judgment. It can be as easy as setting the intention: "I will listen to my thoughts and not judge them." You can write them down if that feels easier. Take out a pen and a piece of paper and write out everything you are thinking for 2 minutes. Then read it and be curious. "Hmm. What is the need underneath that thought? Is that thought true? Where did that thought come from?" If you can do this for yourself, it becomes much easier to listen to some one else's needs and beliefs without judging them.
Set the intention, "I will listen to others without judgment." Challenge yourself to ask them questions. "What is that like for you? Can you tell me more about that need? Can you explain why you said X or did Y? Can we talk more about what we can do to come together on this issues?" Move away from your ideas about the other person's intentions and into voicing a question that could bring you understanding.
If you can be curious and listen without trying to be right, more authenticity and intimacy will follow. We can have empathy for ourselves and also shift into curiosity about what it is like to be another person. If we can be empathetic about one another's needs and perspectives and let go of being right, if we can listen to one another with open hearts, then we can have healthy, connected relationships.
I hope this helps. Sending you curiosity.

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